Title & Chapter Number: Anywhere On My Own 1/3
Author(s): - Author's Index
Website: Hith a Naur
Fandom: Tolkien
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: I do not own LotR or any characters, lands, or items from the Tolkien world. They belong to their respective copyright holders.
Warnings: None
Betas: Silvara & Menel, who kinda got sucked into the job since it was her gift.
Cast: Legolas/Aragorn
Timeline: TA LotR
Spoilers: None
Summary: Legolas must come to terms with the futility of his love for Aragorn and the future King must accept that the Elven-Prince cannot be his.
Notes: This is my Christmas gift to Menel, who has been a well of encouragement and inspiration. Her love of Legolas and Aragorn got me writing this piece and I hope it lives up to her expectations of my work. She is a great friend and marvelous author. ^^ This is dedicated to her.
"Lying my way from you
(No no turning back now)
I wanna be pushed aside so let me go
(No no turning back now)
Let me take back my life, I'd rather be all alone
(No turning back now)
Anywhere on my own cuz I can see
(No no turning back now)
The very worst part of you is me"
Lying From You - Linkin ParkI
Legolas lay in the narrow bed, hidden in the depths of the Hornburg. It was a simple guard's chamber, nothing elaborate or lavish about it. The small hearth burned brightly with a fire, chasing out the chill, though Legolas did not feel it. The warmth was for his bedmate. They had retreated to the room after the battle, bathing each other with the bit of cloth and bowls of water they found waiting in the chamber. The cool water had chilled his lover, and Legolas had set about warming the room. Shortly after he had lit the fire, he felt the strong, calloused hand encircle his waist; thumbs caressing the smooth, unblemished skin of his stomach.
In the semi-darkness, the Elven-Prince smiled and pulled the heavy figure at his side closer to him. He had never known another to set light to his desires as this one did; a simple touch would enflame him, and the archer lost all thought for his duties beside his companions. In the stolen moments they shared, Legolas forgot all but his lover. His taste, smell, and feel were imprinted on his memory. A pang of regret and heartache stabbed through the Elf's heart, knowing that this bliss would not last. He had known the situation when he had taken his lover, had known they would part.
But, in the sated afterglow of their lovemaking and the euphoric relief of surviving Helm's Deep, Legolas cared not for what the future would hold for him. He reveled in the present, inhaling deeply the fragrant scent of Aragorn, how the man smelled of sweet herbs and sharp citrus. And their smell, the smell of their love, hung heavy in the room. Yes, he loved the Man and he knew the Man loved him -- had known it from the moment they first lay together.
~*~*~*~
Legolas closed his eyes and thought back on the vivid memory of that night. The Hobbits had already fallen asleep and Legolas could hear the snoring of the Dwarf. The Gondorian Man was moaning in a fitful sleep and Legolas sat off from the group, deep in his own thoughts of the loss of Mithrandir. They would arrive in Lothlorien the next day, and Aragorn was relieved. Legolas sang softly to himself, trying to drive the sadness from his heart, thinking of the warm fields near his home and the comforting embrace of his father.
"Legolas?"
The Elf turned to face the direction the voice had come from. He had heard Aragorn's approach, had hoped the Man was simply walking off some tension. They had been friends for many years. Legolas remembered teaching a very young and hopeful Estel how to wield a bow. They grow so fast, he thought, looking at the tall, gruff human who was taking a seat beside him. Legolas leaned back against the tree, his gaze still distant and deep in thought, only now those thoughts drifted through the many years he had been a companion to the Ranger.
"Legolas?" he said again, this time putting a warm, heavy hand on the Elf's thigh.
Legolas did not know why, but the touch had shot a spark of desire through him. He pushed the feeling aside, knowing that he could not take the Man as a lover: not now, not ever. He was betrothed to Arwen, who he had called 'friend' for as long as he had been Elladan and Elrohir's playmate as an Elfling. But, there was that rebellious thought deep inside him, the voice Legolas tried very hard to keep at bay. The voice spoke of shirking his duties, of his responsibilities, of his ethics and honor. Told him to turn to the Man and embrace him, whisper the unspoken words of love...
"Meldir? Are you not well?" The tone in Aragorn's voice brought Legolas from his reverie and he turned a soft smile to the man.
"I am as well as can be expected, Aragorn. I was simply lost in thought."
Aragorn returned the radiant being's smile, his heart lightening with the musical quality Legolas' voice always had. "Would you mind my company?"
"I have never minded your company. I do believe, more often than not, I would seek you out among the trees when visiting fair Imladris." Another wistful look crossed the fair features and Aragorn resisted the urge to reach out and wrap the Elf in his arms.
They sat in companionable silence, the Man's hand still resting on the Elf's slender thigh, both trying to ignore the touch. Finally, Aragorn increased the pressure of his hand, trying to impart his desires without words. Legolas' wide, luminescent eyes shifted to meet his and Aragorn made his decision. He began to lean in, to capture the Elf's lips with his own, but was stopped when Legolas placed a single finger against his mouth.
"Nay, Aragorn."
The Ranger pulled back, his brow furrowed with puzzlement. "Why?"
Legolas smiled sadly. "You are not mine to have, meldir. We have long been friends, Aragorn, and I would not lose one such as you because of a rash decision on our part."
"This is not a rash decision. I choose to kiss you."
"And I choose to not allow such an action."
They regarded one another for many moments, each gauging the other. Aragorn moved toward his friend again and this time caught up Legolas' hand with his own and his lips met the startled ones of the Elf.
For a brief moment, Legolas struggled, but he did not truly wish to stop the kiss. This felt right; it felt good. His eyes slowly closed, and he opened his mouth, inviting Aragorn to explore his recesses. In that moment, the Prince knew he had made a choice that would not end well for either of them. He knew, just as his kind seemed to know, that the friendship he had cherished for so many years would never again be.
And he slipped his tongue into the mouth of his soon-to-be-lover and allowed Aragorn to push him clumsily to the ground.
~*~*~*~
Legolas opened his eyes and found the stormy grey eyes of his lover hovering over him. "You awake, melethen," he said, his heart swelling with the look of adoration that came to the troubled eyes.
"Aye, I wake, seron vell." Aragorn brought his lips down and bestowed a gentle, chaste kiss to the slightly bruised flesh of Legolas' mouth. "You exhaust me. Did you sleep well?"
"I rested, yes."
"What were you just thinking?" Aragorn rested his head in the hollow of Legolas' shoulder, listening to the steady pounding of the blond's heart.
"Of past times." Legolas watched the room become lighter as the sun rose higher. "We should rise, o lazy one. We have been missing for over two hours."
"Why should we rise? I find the company very engaging."
Legolas sighed softly. "We must rise, for we must continue on with our journey. As much as I do enjoy holding you as I am now, Gimli, Gandalf, and Theoden will be awaiting us in the main hall. We must go with Gandalf to Isengard, unless you have changed your mind." Legolas looked down into the Man's face, which had become closed off and pinched.
"No, you are right. We must rise."
The two lovers dressed quickly, strapping on their weapons and stealing one last, lingering kiss before leaving the room and seeking the Wizard.
~*~*~*~
He stood on the bow of the ship, his heart heavy and mind deep in thought. He felt a warm weight on his shoulder and turned to see Elrohir standing beside him, Elladan like a shadow just behind his twin. "Legolas," the younger Peredhel said into the sea spray.
"Elrohir, Elladan. Is there a reason you seek to break my solitude?" Legolas turned his troubled eyes back to the sea, breathing deep the salt laden air.
"Gwador," Elladan said, moving to stand on Legolas' other side, "we can sense your melancholy down in the depths of the ship."
Legolas chuckled. "You have inherited your Grandmother's ability to see, have you?"
"And Adar's," Elrohir offered.
The three stood on the creaking ship, each staring off into the vast darkness. None moved or spoke, each lost in their own thoughts. It was Elladan whose voice was heard first.
"We go to war, cousin. We are kin, and we stand with you and our foster brother. But, rushing into this battle with such heaviness about you does little aid for any of us."
"We are hardly cousins, Elladan."
Elrohir stared at Legolas hard. "But we are. You know this. You are descended from Galathil, Ata'da's brother. You are very much our blood kin, and even if you were not, we would still be standing here offering to ease your worries."
Legolas crossed his arms, knowing they were right. The three of them had played as Elflings; Elrond had helped Legolas' father after Oropher's fall, giving the sad Greenwood King a place to send his only son until Greenwood was no longer a place of mourning. "Ease my worries? Are you sure you are able to do such a feat?"
"We can but try, gwador." Elladan smiled at Legolas, drawing him down to sit upon the rough deck. "What were you thinking as we came up?"
"I was thinking on Aragorn."
Elrohir nodded. "His desire for you is palpable. One could almost say he loves you." Legolas' head snapped up and he narrowed his eyes. "Did you think we, of all those in his service, would not notice? When you are in a room with him, Prince, his eyes never leave your fair face. Did you not know?"
Legolas looked away, his eyes dark with thought. "I was thinking back to Lorien, when we spent the month beneath the mellyrn and allowed our broken spirits to heal. I spent much time with Aragorn then."
"Was that when this all began?" Elladan moved slightly over, taking his twin's hand in his own. "Out of grief?"
The Sinda shook his head. "When it began does not matter to where my thoughts just were. Know only that it was after the fall of Mithrandir, but before we crossed the borders in the Golden Wood." The Peredhil nodded, listening intently to their friend. "It was near the end of our stay there that my thoughts journeyed to. I climbed into a mallorn and rested my head against her warm trunk. My heart was indeed lighter since the passing of Gandalf, the Lady having eased my troubled spirit. I was singing to the great tree when Haldir found me and asked to join me in my song.
"We shared silence for a long while, watching Anor make her trip through mid-day. He then asked if I was aware of the Man's affections for me."
~*~*~*~
"Haldir, I do not believe it is your place to ask such a question." Legolas kept his gaze steady, his voice even and strong.
"I have every right to ask it of you, Prince. But, you need not answer, for your statement gives you away. You do know and return those affections." Haldir smiled and leaned back on his hands, balancing perfectly on the wide branch.
"Are you suggesting he is in love with me and I with him?" Legolas scoffed. "Haldir, you may be the best Guardian Lord Celeborn has, but you seem to be seeing things that do not exist."
"Do I?" Haldir squinted his eyes and smirked. "I seem to remember a certain Mirkwood Elf who would look to me the way Aragorn looks to you..."
Legolas smiled and looked away. "I was young, I thought I loved you."
Haldir feigned hurt. "You never loved me? I am crushed. All this time, I thought I had captured the heart of the Crown Prince and he simply was waiting for me to come to my senses."
The Sinda Prince was now laughing with abandon. "I think you have taken *leave* of your senses, Guardian."
They slowly sobered and Haldir turned dark, serious eyes on the Elf-Prince. It had been those eyes, such a contrast to the pale, silver hair and alabaster skin, that had caught his fancy first. He had been young, but not so young not to know love. Yes, he had looked with wide eyes at the elder Elf, following him about; his world had been Haldir for the few short years he had fostered in Lothlorien. "He is Arwen Undomiel's, Haldir. He can never be mine and I do not wish him to be. I do not love him, at least, not as you imply. He has a destiny to fulfill that cannot include me."
Haldir sighed and inched closer on the branch until he was a handsbreadth from the younger Sinda. "Our kind, Legolas, do not enter into such relations on whims. There is more to this than you would even admit to yourself. You were his dear friend, as you are mine, but you did what I could not. Now, that friendship is lost. You will never gain it again. And when the time comes to break his heart -- be it for his own good or not -- you will lose his trust and it will not be easily regained. I speak from a pool of wisdom, hard earned from years of mistakes. Do not tread this ground lightly, fair Prince, for it will not be only the King's heart to bleed.
"But, he will have the Evenstar for comfort, for her love is deep and great and will forgive him this trespass. What of you, mellonen vrûn? Who will ease your pain? This pain you will have brought upon yourself?"
~*~*~*~
"What was your answer to Lord Haldir?" asked Elladan, squeezing Legolas' hand gently in his own. During the telling of the tale, his cousin had moved close to him and his brother, seeking comfort and contact. Legolas' golden head rested against the Imladris heir's shoulder, midnight strands mingling with honeyed silk.
"I had no answer," he mumbled against Elladan's neck. Elrohir looked up from his brother's lap, watching the sad azure eyes regarding him. Legolas' slim hand reached down and stroked the dark waves of Elrohir's hair, lost in his thoughts. "I still have no answer."
~*~*~*~
They would come to dock by mid-morning. Legolas knew the sun had just barely risen and he shifted in the tight embrace of Aragorn's arms. His eyes focused on the grey gaze of his lover.
"How long have you lain there, watching me in reverie?"
Aragorn leaned in and placed several kisses on the relaxed features of the Prince in his arms. "Long enough. You are so beautiful, meleth."
Legolas felt his face flush slightly. "As are you."
The Sinda pulled Aragorn down to him, flicking his tongue against the Ranger's lips. Aragorn parted his lips and Legolas dipped his tongue into the warmth of the Man's mouth. He watched Aragorn's eyes slip closed and he marveled at the love he felt when they shared these tender moments.
When the kiss ended, Aragorn sat up, resting his head on his hand. "I love you, Legolas."
Legolas smiled and stroked the rugged stubble of the Man's cheek. "I know," he whispered.
"Do you remember when I first said that to you?"
"Aye, I do."
~*~*~*~
Legolas panted, his heart racing in his chest and his body aching with his spent passion. He pulled back from Aragorn, sliding off the Man and curling his body around his lover. He ran his fingers through the damp tresses and smiled languidly at Aragorn.
The Ranger turned his face to him and leaned in for a quick kiss. "I love you, ernilen," he murmured against the bruised lips of his Elven-lover.
Legolas' eyes went wide as he wrapped his arms around the exhausted human. Soon, he felt the deep and even breathing signaling that Aragorn had fallen asleep.
Haldir had been right. This was something Legolas had not taken into account. He had thought that Aragorn was in love with the Evenstar and would not fall in love with him. This was a difficult situation, one that Legolas found himself at a loss with. He pulled away from Aragorn and quickly dressed himself in his leggings. He made his way through the woods, away from the tented area the Fellowship had called 'home' since arriving in Lothlorien. He came to a wide clearing with a small stream running through it. Slipping his leggings off once again, he entered the knee-deep stream and bathed.
His thoughts raced, a whirlwind centered on three words spoken in the languor after passion. Could he trust the Man's statement? It was made in that space between sleep and wakefulness. Legolas shook his head; he knew Aragorn and the Ranger would not have spoken the words if he did not feel them. The future King of Gondor was in love with a wayward Elven Prince. Legolas knew this was not right or fair to Aragorn, Arwen or himself. He never should have let the Man kiss him. But, he had, he thought as he pulled his leggings back on. He had made the choice for all three of them in that moment and now he had to live with the results.
And the results were that Aragorn would be torn in two when his destiny came to meet him. Legolas vowed he would not make the Man choose. Arwen had made *that* choice for all three of them years ago on Cerin Amroth when she chose to live and die for her love. He could not take from her that small comfort, that love she had embraced. No, he would never let Aragorn give up the Evenstar for him, for an Elf who had gambled with the heart of a Human and lost.
As he returned to Aragorn and their bed on the ground, he did wonder who would be there for him when this was all over. Who would comfort him and offer him the love he so desired? The love he had found with a mortal whose heart was not his to possess?
~*~*~*~
Legolas blinked slowly, coming back from the vivid memory. He smiled up at his lover. "Aye, I do remember." He watched Aragorn's brow furrow with thought and the Elf cocked his head slightly to the side in an unspoken question.
"You have never returned the sentiment, Legolas. Why?"
The Elf looked away. He had hoped Aragorn would never ask why those words never passed his lips, but now he had. What was he to say? He could not lie, could he? Then again, was it a lie? Yes, it was. He felt it in the slight flutter of his heart when he looked at the Man. He felt it in the heat those grey, stormy eyes could pull from him with a simple look. He felt it in his very being. He loved the Man, he had let a simple way to seek physical release and comfort with a dear friend blossom into love. "I have never said those words, Aragorn, because I do not feel them. If I do not feel them, it would be wrong to let you think otherwise. You are not mine, and I have guarded my heart from you. I will not love you in the way you believe you love me."
Aragorn drew back, his entire being defensive and hurt. "You do not believe my words?"
"I believe you think you feel them. I do not believe you have lied to me all this time." Like I have you, he wanted to add, but swallowed the words bitterly.
"You think I do not know my own heart." Aragorn sat up and pulled away from his lover.
"I think you have forgotten who you truly love because she is not laying here with you and I am. I do not think you less for it, Aragorn. You are a cherished companion and friend, and I would hate for that to be complicated and lost because of this." Legolas sat up and reached out to touch the Man's cheek. Aragorn pulled away and glared at him. "Aragorn, do not be like this. I do love you, just not as you love Arwen. I will defend you with my life and I will love you with all that I can, but I cannot lose my heart to you. Please, understand..." For the first time in centuries, Legolas felt tears rise to his eyes. He did not want to lose this valiant being, he wanted to keep him close, wanted to hold him for the rest of his short life, but he could not. It was not his place, was not his right. Aragorn had to let him go in the end.
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