Title & Chapter Number: Red Stroke: Falling and Failing 3/5
Author(s): - Author's Index
Fandom: Middle Earth
Rating: PG-13 for this chapter
Disclaimer:
Warnings: None
Betas: Julie
Cast: Haldir/OCF Elf
Timeline: AU
Spoilers: None
Summary: Lilane is confused about her relationship with Haldir, and seeks answers from a trusted friend.
Notes: This part features more of an inside look at Lilane's character. I've ignored her for too long! Please forgive me...I know this chapter is not a very happy one, but necessary! I'll fix everything in the next chapter! Special Thanks: To Julie for the bomb beta and support. It's people like her that keep writers going!
If there was one thing that could brighten the spirits of an elf in despair, it was the hidden pools in the heart of Lothlorien. Lilane had been coming to the pools since she was an elfling and old enough to find them on her own. She knew the paths by heart, though they were well hidden by the thick foliage and the concentration of huge trees.
It was quite a walk, but Lilane never minded the distance. She'd woken early in the morning and found Haldir missing; she had felt her heart sink and her anger swell.
She knew that it was wrong to feel anger towards him. There had been an understanding between them for years, that their relationship was one of convenience and momentary comfort, without the weight of an emotional bond. They each provided something to the other that felt necessary and right, but did not hinder them in the way that a romance could.
Years before her first night with Haldir, Lilane had lamented over the fact that she had no mate. She was not an ugly elf, nor did have any personality characteristics that would make her undesirable to another, and she could not understand why she was alone. Her loneliness had left a hole in her heart, and a longing in her soul.
Haldir did not fill that void, but he provided a momentary release from the pain it caused, and for that, she was grateful. When all other things in life seemed to fail, he was constant and enduring, even if it was only an illusion.
But something had happened that she neither expected nor wanted. It had started with appreciation, and grown to affection. Now, she realized, that it was the inevitable result, at least in her mind. This is not the way that an elf loves. A heart must find something real or move on.
Lilane approached the water's edge and looked out over the pool. It shimmered in the mid-day sun, with tiny ripples sweeping over the top of the water as the breeze moved over it. Tree limbs hovered above and swayed, as if beckoning her to its cool waters.
She dipped her bare foot into the water and found it quite chilly at first, but she knew it would be warm when her skin adjusted to the water. When she was positive that no one was around, she slipped off her dress and hung in on a tree branch, and dove in.
She recalled the past night with Haldir. She had never seen him drunk before, nor had she ever lain with him in such a state. He was wild, but his passion was real and she had secretly enjoyed it, though it was very quick. She didn't even mind it when he fell instantly asleep afterwards.
She chuckled as she tipped her head under the water, but the smile quickly left her face.
When Lilane had found him gone this morning, she could not stop the torrent of anger from rising in her, though she couldn't say why. She felt used, even though she'd never felt that way about their meetings in the past. Why now did she feel betrayed when this had been the reality of their association for so many years?
No one had ever accused her of being perfect.
The real question was: what did she want from him? Though she could never hope to bond with him, it wasn't an idea that was completely out of the realm of possibility. She had little to offer him, not even a good strong family backing, since her own parents had taken the ship to the West many years previous.
She wished for her mother's guidance, and at times, wished that she had gone with them. The world was a cruel place, but she had been much too curious and ambitious at the time to leave it. Her mother never would have approved of her so-called relationship with Haldir, anyway. She had always been a believer in love, even if her daughter had lost faith in it.
Lilane swam gracefully, enjoying the feel of the water on her skin and the use of her muscles. Too tense, she was, and too caught up in emotions that served her little purpose.
It was then that she happened to glance back at the shore, and her heart nearly stopped. Her dress, which had been hanging in plain sight from a tree limb, was now missing. She scanned the edge of the shore and the ground in a panic, praying that the breeze had merely blown it to the ground, but as she came closer to the water's edge, she found that it was simply gone.
"Someone there?" she called out. "This is not amusing!"
Then she heard a laugh, and at once she relaxed, knowing exactly who it was who had stolen her gown. A male elf strode from behind a cluster of bush, carrying her clothes. It was *Faneuil, her most trusted, albeit devious friend and confidant.
"You're fortunate that I did not take off running with your gown and leave you here, stark naked for all of creation to see." he said, a huge grin covering his fair face. "You know I would have done it..."
Lilane pressed her lips together and glared at him. "Yes," she said, "and I would spend an age devising a plan to get back at you, and my wrath would not be suffered lightly!" Then she laughed.
Faneuil was a tall elf with amazing dark-blue eyes, and a piercing gaze. Lilane had known him for what seemed like forever, but the memory of their first meeting still amused her. She had tried to win him over, convincing herself that he was the most beautiful creature she had ever laid eyes on. He moved with grace and spoke like a poet. After many weeks and several attempts to bait him with her charm and beauty, he had casually informed her that he was not interested in she-elves of any kind, at least not in the romantic sense. It would be fair to say that her embarrassment had reached an all-time high. After that, they had become fast friends and spent so much time together that other elves began to assume that they were lovers.
Faneuil was laughing again, and Lilane knew that he was still thinking of the look of shock on her face when she finally noticed that her dress was missing.
"Come out of that water, now. I have been looking for you all day. I should have known I'd find you here." he said. Lilane approached the water's edge and stopped.
"Have at least a little courtesy and turn around while I dress..." she said, grinning. Faneuil rolled his eyes and turned reluctantly as Lilane emerged of the water.
"I have seen you without your clothes before!" he exclaimed. "In these very waters we have swam together."
Lilane pulled her gown over her head, and wished that she'd brought something to dry off with. "Yes, but we'd had far too much wine, and I nearly had to carry you back to your bed. I doubt you remember what you saw." "You have no head for wine." she added.
Faneuil laughed heartily. "Yes, you are right. But it was a good time...from what I can remember."
Lilane finished dressing and Faneuil turned to her, a casual smile on his lips. He motioned to a fallen tree behind him, and they both sat down, and looked out over the water.
Faneuil, knowing his friend well, noticed the distant look on Lilane's face.
"Something troubles you." He said.
Lilane looked up at him and then back at the water again. A smile swept over her face for a brief moment and disappeared. "There is something." she said. "But I am not sure I am comfortable talking about it."
Faneuil snorted. "You and I have been friends for many years. I know everything there is to know about you. What subject could be so difficult?" His eyes fixed on her with curiosity.
Lilane shifted uncomfortably. "You are my friend, Faneuil. My most trusted friend. But I have not told you everything about myself." she said. Her head lowered just a little.
"Lilane, your secrets are yours to keep, of course, but I do wish you'd tell me."
She took a breath and moved so that she faced Faneuil.
"You must not utter a word of what I am about to tell you. To anyone...do you promise?" she said. Her face was serious.
"Of course. I give you my word."
Lilane nodded, and paused for a long moment. "It started several years ago..."
~*~*~*~
When Lilane finished telling Faneuil about Haldir, the elf stared at her in utter surprise. He had not moved an inch from the moment she had said Haldir's name.
"I know not what to say, Lilane. This comes as a total surprise. I do not know whether I should be thrilled or sad for you. I should be angry that you have not said a word about your relationship with the March Warden all these past years." He paused. "I might also express my jealousy that you have ensnared the likes of Haldir."
Lilane sighed, and smiled at his last comment. "I am sorry that I did not tell you. I hope that you will forgive me so that you can offer me some advice in this matter."
Faneuil shrugged his shoulders. "I know little about matters of the heart, and even less about she-elves and their relationships with male elves. Now, matters of the flesh...I can give you counsel there." he said, his lips turning up in a sly smile.
Lilane smiled slightly and shook her head. "I thought as much."
There was silence between them for a moment, before Faneuil spoke again:
"Are you in love with him?"
Lilane seemed deep in thought. "I do not know what love is, Faneuil. But for some time now, I have desired more from him than just his body. I feel empty when I wake alone."
"Have you told Haldir this?"
Lilane looked at her friend in surprise. "Gracious, no!"
"Then how do you know he does not return the feelings you have for him? As wise as elves are, most cannot read another elf's thoughts. Didn't you say that he asked you to stay with him the other night?"
Lilane nodded her head. "He did, but he seemed very distant and rather short with me in the morning, as though he was annoyed with my presence."
Faneuil crossed his arms over his chest. "Perhaps you simply misjudged his reaction."
"Perhaps," Lilane said, "but I cannot be sure of that. Oh, Faneuil, I am so confused. It was all so clear before, when we simply spend a few hours in bed together, and then went our separate ways. But I am sure I sensed a change in him...the way he held onto me after it was over and asked me to stay the night. And in that moment I dared to dream that his feelings for me were deeper than they had been in the beginning."
Faneuil was quiet. It was obvious that he had no answers, though he deeply wanted to counsel his friend.
"You should talk with him. Just come out with it!" he said at last.
Lilane sighed. "I cannot. I risk losing him altogether."
Faneuil leaned closer to her. "My dear, you do not have him. All you risk losing is a bedfellow, and those are not so hard to replace. If you want him, then you must risk your heart. Being careful may save you terrible pain, but you will never find the joy you desire."
Lilane was stunned by her friend's blunt words, but took them into consideration. He was right, of course. If she did not tell Haldir how she felt, then the worst would happen:
Nothing.
Faneuil put his hand on Lilane's shoulder. "Come, let's get you back. You cannot express your undying love to Haldir in that sopping wet gown."
~*~*~*~
Haldir had intended to take some rest for the day, but quickly found that he was bored. He practiced archery with Rumil for most of the morning and then hunted for deer with Orophin, but his thoughts were elsewhere all throughout the day.
He carried the deer into the city, to the place where the she-elves would see to cleaning it. A bit of the deer's blood had trickled down onto his tunic. As soon as he'd deposited the deer, he began to make his way back to his talan to change his clothes. As he walked, his thoughts settled on Lilane.
He'd awoken with a start at first light, and found himself still in Lilane's bed. He cursed himself for having drunk the wine, and having given in to such reckless lust. His cheeks warmed as he remembered how he'd behave the night before...what must she think of him?
He'd left before she had awoken. He was embarrassed, not only with his behavior, but also because it was she who had called him to her, and he had taken her without so much as a thought to her pleasure. To top it all off, as soon as he'd spent himself and rolled off her like a drunken swine, he'd fallen asleep.
Haldir shook his head at the memory.
He did care for her; he was now forced to admit it. But he was losing control of the situation. He felt as though he was using her. But as much as he wanted to tell her what was in his heart, he doubted very much that she returned his feelings. She'd seemed very uncomfortable the first time he'd spent the night, and he'd been rude to her in the morning. She'd stalked out and he wondered if he'd seen the last of her.
And then last night. He was making the situation worse every time he saw her.
Haldir decided that he must set things right. He knew not if it would improve their relationship, but, at the very least, perhaps it would clean up the unsavory impression she almost certainly had of him.
He changed quickly, and washed up a bit. As he left his talan, he spotted a gathering of purple lilies that grew under a nearby tree. Smiling, he plucked one, and decided to give it to Lilane. He knew he was being rather ambitious, but it was a good way to judge if her feelings reflected his own. He tucked the bloom into his tunic and went off to find her.
Her talan was empty, but unless she'd gone off into the woods, she would not be hard to find. As he searched he wondered if she might agree to a meal with him. Perhaps he would even prepare it for her. Haldir smiled again.
He asked a few elves along the way if they'd seen her, but none had. He crossed over a small bridge that led away from the city, and scanned the trees for any sign of her. Just as he was about to give up the search, he spotted two figures approaching from the woods. One of them was Lilane.
Haldir's brow furrowed.
Another elf was with her. Haldir knew that his name was Faneuil...he'd seen him before, but did not know him well. Thinking back, he now remembered that he'd seen Faneuil and Lilane together on several occasions, but until now, he'd never given it a second thought.
Their hands were locked together.
Haldir watched them approach, but did not let the pair see him. Instead he observed, trying to gauge what he hoped was merely a friendship. As they came into the city, they stopped and spoke for a moment. Lilane was smiling at him in a way that conveyed deep affection. Haldir bit his lip as Faneuil leaned down to Lilane, and kissed her. He was too far away to tell if the kiss was on her lips, but it mattered not.
Clearly, it was this elf that she had given her love to. Despair and anger rushed through him as he watched them embrace and go their separate ways. Haldir took the lily from his tunic, and crushed it. He looked down at the petals, which clung to his fingers in broken pieces.
He stalked away, his eyes forward and a look of coldness in them.
~*~*~*~
*Faneuil - pronounced 'fan-yew-elle'
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