Title & Chapter Number: Red Stroke: Uncertainty 2/5
Author(s): - Author's Index
Fandom: Middle Earth
Rating: NC-17 for wild monkey-lovin'
Disclaimer:
Warnings: None
Betas: Julie
Cast: Haldir/OCF Elf
Timeline: AU
Spoilers: None
Summary: After a strange morning, Haldir ponders his new feelings for Lelane.
Notes: My first LotR fic...ever. Wow. I just hope it doesn't suck.
The patrol had left first thing in the morning. Now, the sun was high in the air, and the heat was beginning to beat down on the elves as they trudged through the forest.
Haldir led them as usual, sending out smaller groups with instructions to meet at the central watch-point in three hours. He knew that it wasn't really necessary - not a soul had been spotted on the border of the Golden Wood for nearly a month - but Haldir was consistent in the way he carried out his duties - always vigilant, always prepared. It was the reason he was the one that held the title of March Warden, and not another.
And it was a good way to take his mind off of the morning.
He hadn't expected Lilane to still be there when he woke, but there was a part of him that had wished for it. The moment he woke, even before he opened his eyes, he believed himself to be alone in his bed. She hadn't stayed, he'd thought, as wakefulness crept through him.
It wasn't until he opened his eyes that he realized that she had stayed. She sat on a bench across the room, braiding her hair. She smiled at him when she saw he was awake. Haldir blinked and sat up in the bed, resting his elbows on slightly bent knees.
It was strange, having her there.
"You're awake at last." she said, amusement on her face. She finished one braid and started the other, gazing into the mirror ahead of her.
Haldir rubbed his eyes. He took note of the fact that although she had spent the night with him, but had not remained in bed. She had simply stayed because he'd asked her to, in a moment of weakness, and he now felt foolish for doing so.
"It's a lovely day outside." she commented, tipping her head and examining her work.
"Aye," Haldir said, "it's going to be warmer than usual. " It was a stupid response, one he instantly regretted, but he hadn't the slightest clue what else he should say. Lilane finished her hair and stood up, smoothing out her gown as she walked over to the bed. She sat again on the edge, and began to lace her boots. Haldir watched her and thought she looked distressed, but was reluctant to ask.
"Haldir?"
"Hmm?" He responded, looking up at her.
She cocked her head to the side. "Does something trouble you? You have a far-off look in your eyes."
Haldir stiffened, but sighed. "I was going to ask you the same thing, though I did not want to bother you with my questions."
She stopped lacing her boots and stared quietly ahead for a moment. In a small voice, she answered him:
"You've never asked me to stay the night before."
Haldir swallowed and realized that his hands were trembling. He stuffed them underneath the blanket. He was unsure of what to say to her.
"I am sorry if it caused a burden on you." he said, looking away. A moment later, he felt her touch his arm. He looked down at her hand, and then up, to meet her eyes.
"It was no burden, Haldir. No burden at all."
He stared at her for the longest time, his eyes slightly wider than usual. He was going to say that he had not felt such longing for another's presence since his younger days. That, even though he was not young, and the time for love had seemed to have passed away with his youth, he'd felt its call in these lonely times, and wished deeply that they could know each other in that way.
But he never got the chance.
The horn was sounding, indicating that the patrol was gathering. And their March Warden, their Captain, was still undressed. He had been distracted by Lilane, and her lovely pale green eyes and curling hair, and his petty, useless weaknesses.
He sprang from the bed and scrambled for his tunic and leggings, and slipped into them as fast as he could. Lilane stood back and watched him dress, the concern still evident on her face.
"I am sorry we could not continue the conversation," she said. "But I have made you late."
"Indeed." Haldir grunted, and then wished he hadn't. It wasn't her fault. He stopped for a moment when he saw a flash of hurt cross her face. "I did not mean to say that. It is my own error that I am late." "Please forgive me."
"Of course." she said, smiling weakly. She headed for the door.
"A good day to you, my lord." she said, and left the talan.
Once she left, Haldir continued assembling his attire, but did so distractedly. He felt relief now that she was gone, and at the same time, emptiness. Her presence had made him uneasy, but it was he who had asked that she stay the night before. He had not been prepared, obviously, for the strangeness of it, the awkwardness. Now, he regretted the way he'd handled the situation. Surely he could have thought of something better to say!
But as soon as she had gone, he wished she hadn't. What was wrong with him?
~*~*~*~
Haldir crouched at the top of the flet, peering down at the forest floor. They were close to the border, but it was plain to the March Warden that everything was as it should be. He almost wished for some distraction, to take his mind from the confliction in his mind.
Maybe it had been a mistake, this matter with Lilane. He adored her, but in a secretive, distant way. Their relationship had for years been without the kind of uncertainty that he was feeling now. Until last night she'd been merely a lover, his lady of the night.
But in the light of day, things had looked and felt much different. He couldn't get that thought out his mind.
Haldir was grateful for the interruption. Rumil strode over to him with a look of apparent boredom on his face, and stood side-by-side with Haldir, saying nothing for a moment.
"Hot day," Rumil said finally.
Haldir nodded. "That it is."
Rumil sighed. "It was such a pleasant morning, though. When we gathered this morn and prepared to leave, I had time to bask in the perfect air while our patrol waited for you to arrive."
Haldir stiffened. Here it came.
Rumil continued. "But as I waited, I became concerned, for tardiness is very uncharacteristic of you, my brother. You have held the title of March Warden for many years, and I could not think of any day when you arrived even a moment late. It was always the younger elves." He shook his head. "And you were always the first to arrive."
Haldir rolled his eyes and sighed loudly. "If you have a point, please feel free to come to it, Rumil."
Rumil waved his hand in the air. "I'm getting to there. You see, because you were so late, I decided to go to your talan and see what delayed you."
Haldir's got a peculiar look on his face. "You did not come by this morning."
Rumil shook his head. "No, I did not. For as I approached your talan, I realized the reason you had not yet left. A distraction, in the form of the very lovely, and very much younger Lilane, stepping down from your talan."
Haldir closed his eyes and cringed inwardly. The day was not improving, not in the least. Rumil noticed his brother's reaction and chuckled.
"Oh, come now. Unbeknownst to you - obviously - your late-night rendezvous are not a secret to your brothers."
Haldir turned and looked at Rumil straight on, his eyes wide with disbelief.
"For years we have waited for the opportunity to speak with you about it. But...it became such a laughable topic that we decided to keep it to ourselves. After all, you don't give us much else to joke about." Rumil added, poking Haldir in the ribs with his elbow.
"I am glad I amuse you, Rumil." Haldir said, not even attempting to hide the sarcasm in his voice.
"Indeed. But today, when I saw her coming from your talan in the morning instead of late at night, I could only assume that your relationship had taken a step forward. And I just wanted to tell you that it is about time."
Haldir shook his head. "We do not have a relationship, save for our late-night meetings. Not that it's any of your business, but since you're so curious and think you know so much about it, I see it as my duty to set you straight." Haldir said gruffly, and without missing a single beat.
"Then why did she stay the night? She's never done that before."
Haldir scowled at his brother. "Oh, you know this, do you? How?"
A huge grin spread across Rumil's face. He stayed silent for a moment, but only a moment.
"I know about the candle."
Inwardly, Haldir cringed. His stomach felt oddly upset. He did not have any idea how he should respond, so he bit his tongue, and waited for Rumil's onslaught.
"Very romantic, Haldir. For many months I didn't put the two events together - the significance of the candle in your window, and Lilane's visits. But as Orophin and I began to observe these two things more closely, we realized that they were connected. You summoned her by lighting a candle in your window."
Haldir ground his teeth together. He supposed he was overdue for a joke made at his expense. Rumil continued, his tone mocking Haldir:
"That blazing candle - a symbol of your great need for her, a wordless invitation that only the two of you could decipher. Except for Orophin and I, of course. So poetic! I nearly wrote a song for you!"
Embarrassed beyond words, Haldir sighed in exasperation and annoyance, and began to walk away. Rumil was still chuckling as he watched him go, but quickly gave chase and fell into step with his brother, who did not look pleased.
"So, it is only a physical relationship, nothing more?" Rumil prodded.
Haldir rolled his eyes again. "That is correct. Will you stop pestering me now?"
Rumil did not relent. "It is a pity that you are not in love with her. Orophin and I both wed to our mates long ago, and it does make me sad to see you alone," he said sincerely.
Haldir did not respond, but Rumil thought he noticed a touch of sadness cross his brother's face. He kept walking.
"Is there something about her that you do not like? Is that why you only spend your nights with her, and not your days?"
Haldir stopped abruptly and turned to Rumil, looking at him crossly. "I say again, Rumil, it's not your business and you needn't feel pity for me. I am perfectly happy with this arrangement and need nothing more."
Rumil cocked his head to the side and studied Haldir. "I don't believe you."
"It makes not a difference."
Rumil sighed. "When we were younger, before you became the March Warden of this Golden Wood, you talked about marriage. You talked about family. You wanted it then, so why not now?"
Haldir could not answer the question. His eyes held Rumil's gaze for a moment, before dropping to somewhere on the ground. Rumil looked sadly at him, and laid his hand on his brother's shoulder.
"It is not pity I feel for you, brother. Only regret, I suppose. You hold an important title, but you feel that you are not worthy of any other rewards in life. And I know it is not so."
Haldir looked up to meet his brother's eyes again, and Rumil continued:
"If I know anything about elves, it is this: they do not enjoy meaningless relationships. I do not know Lilane all that well, but I know that she would not give herself to you only halfway and be content with that. No, I believe she is waiting for you."
Haldir blinked. He was stunned by his brother's words, and considered them. Rumil patted Haldir on his shoulder and walked away to resume his post, leaving Haldir to ponder the question that was now in his mind.
Was she waiting for him?
~*~*~*~
Two nights later, Haldir stood once again at his window. He was still thinking about what Rumil had said the day before yesterday, and had drawn no conclusions in the matter. He had not called her to him in the past two nights, which was not uncommon, but he felt guilty for some reason.
He did not want to hurt her, and he wondered if he had been doing just that all this time. Did she crave more than just his body? If she did, was she so afraid to tell him? He did not know a good way to pose the question to her, and so, he had not.
In fact, he had not seen her, even in passing, since their last meeting. He wondered if she was now avoiding him.
He poured himself some sweet wine and endeavored to forget about it. What good did it do him to ponder these thoughts? For years he had been alone, and he thought that he was content to stay that way. He'd allowed a momentary weakness to change their relationship, and he regretted that. Or did he?
Before he could realize it, he had finished the glass of wine. He shrugged and poured himself another, thinking that it might not be a bad idea to finish the entire bottle and forget this whole nonsense.
It took some effort on his part, as he was not one to finish an entire bottle of strong, sweet wine in one sitting, but after an hour or so, he accomplished his goal, and sprawled out on his bed lazily, his head propped on the wooden headboard, holding an empty glass. He sighed with contentment. It was not often he allowed himself the pleasure of getting drunk. He tried to set the glass on the table beside his bed, but missed it entirely, and it crashed to the floor.
"Aww..." he muttered, along with an elvish profanity he rarely used. He bent over and picked up a few of the broken shards and set them on the table, and used his boot to sweep the rest under his bed.
Haldir felt quite warm, almost too warm. He stumbled to the window to feel the breeze on his face. Belching as he leaned against the window, his eyes struggled to focus on Lilane's window. He found it after a moment, and was surprised to see a candle flickering in her window.
His eyes widened and he stepped away from the window.
She was calling to him? Or had his eyes deceived him?
He stood in the center of his room, deep in thought. He shouldn't go, not in this state, he told himself. What had transpired between them two mornings ago left him feeling so awkward, and he was in no condition to discuss what had been on his mind before he'd decided to drink that wine.
Still, wouldn't he be unkind if he did not go to her? She had never denied him, not in all the years of their meetings. She would wait for him, until well into the night, and if he did not come, would she not be upset and think ill of him?
Perhaps.
And he wanted to go.
In his state of drunkenness, it was not for mere loneliness that he wanted her. To touch her, to kiss her lips would greatly please him. He thought about her naked form lying beneath him, and her ragged breath and her fingers digging into his skin as he explored the depths of her.
His mind swam with the memory of it.
He did the best he could at slipping on his boots, which were left mostly unlaced in the end. He left the candle on the table burning, and exited the talan. Stumbling out onto the flet, he nearly fell over the edge as he tried to climb down. He cursed that bottle of wine as he reached the bottom and misjudged the number of footholds that were left to step upon, and toppled to the ground, right on his behind.
He sprang to his feet quickly, and prayed no one had seen him.
He made his way to her talan, which was not as high as his, thankfully. He climbed up, creating a bit of a ruckus as he did so. When he reached her door he almost knocked on the doorframe, but stopped himself. He'd never knocked before...
He walked through the curtain in her door and saw her sitting at the desk, her nose buried in a book. She looked up when he entered, and smiled gently.
"I didn't think you would come." she said quietly, and stood up.
She was wearing a gown that was almost transparent in the dim light of the candle behind her. He grinned like a fool at the sight of her, for he couldn't help it. She regarded him with bemusement, and approached him.
She embraced him and he buried his face in her neck, but she pulled away after a moment, looking at him curiously.
"Haldir...have you been in the wine?"
He sighed and nodded, a sheepish look coming over him. "I d'not think you would call me t'night...I am sorry for my...undignified state," he said, his words slurring.
Lilane broke into laughter. She stepped away from him and covered her mouth apologetically. Haldir was taken aback and looked at her astonishment. It almost appeared as though she wounded him with her laughing.
"Forgive me, Haldir," she said, chuckling. "I've just never seen you drunk before."
He tried, but he couldn't hold back his own grin. His mood was lighter than usual due to the wine, and watching Lilane laugh so wholeheartedly struck amusement in him. Haldir pulled Lilane to him gracelessly, and wrapped his arms around her waist.
"You are merely cross with me for not bringing the bottle to share."
Lilane chuckled one last time. "Next time, perhaps you will not forget me." she said, but didn't wait for him to respond. She placed her lips gently on his, and the moment she made contact with his mouth, Haldir felt his passion grow. He returned the kiss, much harder than he usually would have.
Lilane responded in kind, somehow understanding his urgency, though he had never been this way before.
His hands were immediately all over her. He guided her backwards towards her bedroom, but missed the door entirely and backed her into a wall. Lilane hardly noticed though, because his mouth had left hers and traveled down her neck. His hands kneaded into her breasts, and her head fell back as she panted, and felt his desire pushing into her leg.
She urged him forward and led him into the room and stopped next to the bed. Haldir collided with her hastily, and she lay down on the bed, her legs dangling over the side. He went to work on her simple dress, untying the bodice and roughly pulling it off her shoulders. Lilane was surprised to see him behave this way, but in truth, she was as excited as he was. This was a side of Haldir that she had never seen, and her whole body throbbed with the desire to see more.
Haldir wore more clothing than she, but Lilane had no trouble removing the pieces in between his fervent kisses. It was Haldir who was panting now, and his eyes were darkened over with lust.
It was utter chaos but soon they were both undressed, and Lilane moved fully onto the bed, pulling him on top of her as she went. She wasn't prepared for the sensation of him entering her, and she cried out softly and bit his shoulder.
As Haldir thrust against her, his eyes locked on hers. For a moment she thought she saw joy in his eyes, for he was almost smiling at her. He kissed her with passion and intertwined his hands in her soft hair. Her fingers softly raked the skin of his back, causing him to shudder. As his thrusts became harder he lost his composure, and his eyes rolled back and closed. He breathed hard against her ear, and she felt him tense and release. He gasped, a final end to his pleasure, and collapsed against Lilane.
Not a word was spoken for several minutes.
Finally, Haldir rolled off her. His skin glistened with perspiration from both their bodies. Lilane lay very close to him, studying him in the dim light of the room. She wondered if he would leave now, though she did not want him to, she wondered if it was best.
"I am sorry." he muttered, his eyes closed.
"For what?"
Haldir hesitated. "That it was not...longer." He replied, hoping she caught his meaning. He wished that he had given her more pleasure; though he assumed he gave her nothing but a bruise.
"You've never been that way before," she said, "but I did not mind it." Then Haldir reached out and grabbed her hand, and held it within his. He was smiling, though his eyes were closed.
He sighed and she relaxed next to him. There were so many things she wanted to say to him, but couldn't think of how to put forward the discussion.
"I enjoy our nights together, Haldir." she began.
There was no response from Haldir.
"Haldir?"
Lilane raised her head to look at him, and found that he was fast asleep. Despite the fact that her words had not reached him, she smiled tenderly and snuggled closer to him, drawing the blanket around them.
"So much I want to tell you..." she whispered. "Perhaps tomorrow I will have the courage."
She kissed his cheek and lay back, closing her eyes.
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