Title & Chapter Number: Where Do We Find Babies? [Elf Children Series 11]
Author(s): - Author's Index
Website: Tortured Scribes
Fandom: Tolkien
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: All things Tolkien belong to his estate; I only borrow them on occasion and always return them in good working order. I write fan fiction solely for my own enjoyment and do not claim any copyright or ownership of his works nor do I have intent to make financial gain. All original concepts and characters are from my own twisted plot bunnies and remain my property. Hwest is all mine!
Warnings: Discussions about sex
Betas: Alex
Cast: Hwest; The Gang: Haldir, Arwen, Elladan, Elrohir, Leggy, Orophin, and Rúmil; Celeborn and various Tolkien Elves
Timeline: Early Third Age - AU after Who Will Love Us Now?
Spoilers: Some for previous works in this series.
Summary: Orophin asked the million-dollar question!
Notes: Since there are no dates of birth for Legolas, Haldir, Orophin, or Rúmil, I am taking poetic license with their ages. Also, Elladan and Elrohir are 102 years older than Arwen. Elves reach adulthood between 50 and 100 years. For purposes of this story, I have decided to make 100 the age of adulthood and I am making Arwen only 30 years younger than her brothers. The children's ages are as follows: Haldir - 62, Elladan and Elrohir - 60, Rúmil - 40, Leggy -30, Arwen - 30, and Orophin - 20. These stories are for my son, but I doubt he will see this one for a long time. Yes, there is blatant reference to Addams Family 2, but it was to classic to resist. I figured I owed you a good laugh after the last installment.
49 Coirë* 170 T.A. - Caras Galadon, Lórien
Orophin gazed around the table in the private dining hall of the Lord and Lady. It was quite full. Beside his two brothers, the Lord and Lady, Hwest, and himself; seated at the long table were King Thranduil and his wife, Queen Vénea, Legolas, Master Elrond and his wife, Lady Celebrían, the twins and Arwen, Lord Glorfindel, Ohtarie and Fanui*. Dinner was well under way, but Orophin's mind was on the discussion he and Ohtarie had earlier. He decided that now would be the best time to get an answer, seeing as there were so many adults present. He did not relish another bout of running around like the day he wanted to know why the sky was blue. So without further ado, he asked their question: "Ohtarie and I would like to know where do we find babies?"
That effectively killed the buzz of conversation surrounding the adults.
Haldir took the lull in silence as an opportunity to answer the question. "They are grown in Mellryn blossoms."
"No they are not!" Rúmil chimed in. "Mama told me they are found in baskets in the Celebrant left there by Ulmo."
Elladan shook his head sadly. "You are both wrong! There are no Mellryn in Imladris. They are delivered by the Great Eagles from Valinor!"
"Exactly," Elrohir added. Before taking another bite of stew.
The adults were watching the conversation with silent amusement.
"You were both born in Lórien," Arwen said in exasperation.
"See, I was right!" Haldir and Rúmil said together.
"Mellryn blossoms!" Haldir glared at his younger sibling.
"Baskets on the Celebrant!" Rúmil was not intimated by Haldir's stare.
"All four of you are wrong," Arwen said with great authority. "I was born in Imladris and everyone knows that babies are made in the stars by Elbereth. They are brought to Middle-earth on a moonbeam." She sighed at the loveliness of the thought.
Thranduil chuckled at the misguided little Elflings before taking a sip of his wine.
"My parents just had sex." Legolas said calmly.
Wine shot out from Thranduil's mouth onto his plate as he began coughing and sputtering. Vénea began to pound on her husband's back as half the adult occupants of the table began to laugh quietly behind their napkins.
"What is sex?" Orophin asked curiously.
Legolas now had the attention of everyone at the table, except for his mother who was still trying to help his father clear his lungs. "Sex is when you take off your clothes, then one Elf lies on top of the other, they grunt and move funny. Like this." Legolas stood up and demonstrated with an odd pelvic thrust.
Elrond and Glorfindel exchanged glances and there was a suspicious noise that came from behind their napkins that sounded something like stifled giggles. Thranduil turned a deeper shade of red and started to cough harder, his eyes bulging as he looked at his son. Vénea pounded harder and was a remarkable shade of pink. Celeborn's lips showed the ghost of a smile but he dared not laugh since he was in striking distance of Galadriel. Celebrían and her mother were torn between glaring and smirking themselves.
"Arwen is going to do that with a Human!" Elladan and Elrohir shouted at the same time and dissolved into peals of laughter.
"Shut up! I am NOT marrying a Human!" Arwen bellowed.
"So that is what the Elves were doing in Lord Celeborn's book." Ohtarie said to Orophin.
Celeborn didn't quite move fast enough and Galadriel boxed him soundly on the ear. "CELEBORN! Please tell me that you have NOT been showing those babies that book of yours!"
"I was… reading it in the library and thought I closed it in time," Celeborn began to profess his innocence as he rubbed his ear, grimacing. "I swear if they caught a glimpse it was by accident."
Galadriel glared at him.
"What book?" Elrond asked, suddenly interested.
Celebrían kicked him under the table and mouthed, `Later.'
Thranduil had finally managed to catch his breath, much to his relief, his wife was quite strong and he wondered how bruised his back would be.
"Well, Celeborn, since you are `Wise', "Galadriel smiled serenely at her husband. "Why do you not tell them where babies come from?"
Celeborn flushed. "I… you cannot be serious." He could see by her expression that she was. "Well, children, it is like the bees and the flowers."
"Do not tell them that, Father! The first time Elrond gave me a flower I locked myself in my room for a week so I would not run into any bees! Thank the Valar, Mother came and straightened me out."
Glorfindel cleared his throat, a smile plastered on his handsome face. "Please allow me. Legolas was correct, children, having sex makes babies. After a male and female are bound, they retire to their chambers and take off their clothing. Then…"
~*~*~*~
All eight children sat on the balcony outside the great talan in shocked silence. Unwanted visuals from Glorfindel's graphic and detailed description of where babies came from ran through their poor little minds. They all were thinking the same thing: none of them were ever going to have sex!
The End
~*~*~*~
49 Coirë - March 21th
Fanui - Sindarin `cloudy'~ Next Chapter ~
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