Title & Chapter Number: Erestor's Nightmare 1/1
Author(s): & - Author's Index
Fandom: LOTR, Terminator 2, Forrest Gump, Wizard of Oz
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: We do not own these characters; they are the property of JRR Tolkien and his estate. We are not making money off this story. No real insult meant to dear Celebrían… it's just a stupid and sick joke…
Warnings: Utter and complete silliness, Elves acting out of character. This story is rated NC-17 and contains character defamation, implied incest, profanity, reference to sex toys, and really sick and stupid humor. If you find these things offensive, or you are under-age, we strongly suggest you stop now.
Betas: Nah, we didn't bother.
Cast: Erestor, Celebrían, Thranduil, Glorfindel, Haldir, Rúmil, Orophin, and Legolas
Timeline: TA AU
Spoilers: None
Summary: This is a parody. Do not take this as a serious work of fiction. Possible choking hazard if you eat or drink while reading. Do not read at work, as giggling might give you away. Do not attempt to operate heavy machinery while reading.
Notes: This was something utterly loony that Larien and I cooked up whilst chatting. It was largely inspired by a snipped read from a list we belong to where Erestor wakes up as if from a nightmare, and we didn't know why. The last we knew he'd gone to bed with Celebrían. I jokingly said that he was horrified to find himself in bed with a female, I mean, after all, Erestor likes males. Right? Well, it went down hill from there.
Lovingly dedicated to Hawk. Its all her fault anyway...
Erestor wakes in a cold sweat, the last remnants of the nightmare sliding thankfully from his mind. He sighs, thinking it was just a dream. **Just a dream.** He starts to roll over onto his side, not quite ready to give up the comfort of his bed when he realizes two things: one, this isn't his bedroom, and two, his arm is pinned beneath someone's body.
He moves in slow motion, his eyes widening in terror as he realizes that his nightmare is no nightmare at all.
He's in bed with Celebrían.
A low whimper of denial escapes his throat. How did this come to pass? Since when did he start sleeping with females? He tries to pull his arm out from under Celebrían's body without waking her but he can't. He seriously considers gnawing it off at the elbow but realizes it's his writing arm that's trapped.
"Too much miruvor…" he whimpers, desperately seeking some form of escape. "Never again." Celebrían moves slightly in her sleep and Erestor freezes like a trapped rabbit, his eyes huge. He lies in bed, staring at the ceiling, the occasional whimper escapes him. **Trapped! Trapped!** She moves again and sighs in her sleep, and he gives a strangled moan. **Please don't let her wake up and want sex, please don't let her wake up and want sex, please don't let her wake up and want sex.**
The door to the bedroom opens and Thranduil stands in the doorway, taking in the scene with open amusement. "What was he thinking?" he mutters. "Come away, Counselor. You have to make a run for it! Toss the she-elf and run!"
Erestor's huge eyes turn towards Thranduil, silently pleading for help. Celebrían rolls over, throwing an arm around Erestor's waist, trapping him even more.
"Go Erestor, now! Before it's too late!"
Erestor trembles, glancing fearfully at the she-elf who holds him pinned.
"Get up, man!" Thranduil barks.
Glorfindel peers over the King's shoulder, "Come on, Erestor, you can do it... just give her a shove and bolt!"
With a scream like a frightened baby bunny, he shoves the she-elf's arm off of him and tears away from the bed, dashing wildly towards the door.
"Save me!" He bolts like Orlando Bloom with a busload of 13-year-old girls chasing him. **Fuck my clothes,** he thinks...**freedom is just beyond the door.**
Thranduil and Glorfindel are in slow motion, waving him on, calling, "Run, Erestor, Run!"
Music from the Forest Gump soundtrack spurs him on. The makeshift leg braces he was wearing fall off. He wonders when he started wearing leg braces, then remembers it was HER idea.
He hears her stir behind him, hears her call his name, and makes a desperate leap for freedom. A hand catches his ankle, dragging him back. A slow motion soundtrack "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" spills from his lips.
Thranduil and Glorfindel move to catch him. Haldir and his brothers wait in the hall with a cart to smuggle him away in.
Thranduil's hand is slippery, he can't hold on, and she's dragging him back into the room with low and lust filled growls.
"Damnit Glorfindel! Don't just stand there! Help me!" the King barks. Thranduil struggles to hold on to the doorframe to keep from being pulled into the nightmare.
Glorfindel moves forward to help. Celebrían sees his gorgeous hunky body and makes a dive for him as well. Glorfindel shrieks like a female and scampers back.
"Goddamnit Glorfindel!" Thranduil snaps. "Don't be such a poof! "Get you ass back here!"
Gracefully leaping just out of reach of the lecherous hands of danger, the mighty Balrog slayer finds a bottle of wine, and swings it like Babe Ruth towards her head.
Celebrían blinks once, and collapses. The lusty she-elf's grip on Erestor finally loosens, and he is able to wiggle free.
Thranduil barks over his shoulder, "Don't just stand there you useless Silvan, get in here and help your kinsman!"
"I'm not a poof," grumbles Glorfindel resentfully, dropping the bottle of wine. "Did you see the look in her eye, man!" He shudders theatrically. "I haven't seen anything that frightening since the Balrog!"
Erestor is weeping with relief at such a narrow escape. He cannot believe the horror he almost had to deal with. Thranduil, Glorfindel and Haldir drag the Noldo to safety and collapse into the waiting cart in a tangle of sweaty, panic ridden limbs.
"Never again," Erestor weeps. "Never ever ever."
They are almost away when she rises, like the energizer bunny with a lifetime supply of double A's, and staggers from the door.
"Erestor!" she shrieks, her eyes wild with lust. "Get back here you little shit!"
Glorfindel squeals and grabs the handles of the wagon.
Thranduil barks, "Will someone please bar the goddamn door?"
Haldir rolls his eyes and shakes his head, but dares not go within reach of those reaching claws.
They run, and she stalks after them like the T1000 in Terminator 2. You can even hear the ominous music in the background.
Legolas leaps in, wielding a loaf of stale bread. "I'll save you Adar!"
"NO! Legols, she'll eat you alive!!!!!!!!!!!" Erestor is so frightened he cannot even say Legolas' name right.
"Back you she-devil!" The prince bravely swings the loaf of bread at the crazed female.
She eyes him, swatting at the loaf of bread with lazy contempt, licking her lips with savage glee. "I will have ALL OF YOU in my bed before we are through!" she shrieks.
Glorfindel cowers behind Haldir, who pretends not to notice.
Legolas brandishes a vial of oil and a mithril ring at her. "Go back to the hole you crawled out of! I am the wielder of the sacred cock ring of Thranduil! You shall not pass!"
Celebrían wails. "Oh NO!" and begins to melt, smoke rising from her feet. "What have you done? Who would have thought such a pretty little elf like yourself could destroy me....what a world...what a world!!!!!" and hissing, she sinks into the floor. Smoke rises from the slick spot on the floor where evil once stood.
The male elves raise their voices in triumph and dance with glee, grabbing one another's bottoms, Thranduil rushes forward and hoists his son into the air, twirling him around. "My brave and beautiful son!" he says, his eyes brimming with tears.
"Oh, Ada…" Legolas says softly as his father lowers him to the floor and they embrace and kiss passionately.
The others look on, some disturbed, most not, and they link arms in a dance. Being in Rivendell, they cannot resist singing.
"Ding dong the witch is dead…"
And life returns to what passes for normal in the slashwriter's haven of Rivendell.
The End.
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