Title & Chapter Number: A Tale of Three Elfhoods 4/5
Author(s): & Debbie - Author's Index
Fandom: Middle Earth
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: I write fan fiction solely for my own enjoyment and do not claim any copyright or ownership of his works nor do I have intent to make financial gain. All original concepts and characters are from my own mind and remain my property.
Warnings: Comedy! Elfhood jokes galore! Explicit sex!
Betas: Fianna & Debbie
Cast: Pairing: Haldir/OFC, Rúmil/OFC, Orophin/OFC
Timeline: Third Age?
Spoilers: None
Summary: Haldir & brothers start their day as Peeping Toms. Events progress from there!
Notes: This is meant to be a comedy, so we hope you think it's funny. It contains shallow characterization and silly dialogue and very little plot, but it should be good for a laugh.
Chapter 5 - In which Elfhoods Are Admired and Compared
Mina and Rúmil snuggled on the divan in the parlor, having taken their lovemaking out of the bedroom. They lay there talking and laughing and learning about each other, passing the hours until the sun began to disappear between the trees.
"My love," Mina said, "I think we should go back to my flet. I would like to bathe before we go to your brother's home, and I have no change of clothes here."
"I wonder if Orophin and Lira are still there?" Rúmil remarked.
"I don't know, but I hope they kept their activities in the bedroom." Not that she didn't trust them; of course she did. But she did not look forward to the possibility of having to scrub down her entire house.
Rúmil laughed. "Orophin is terribly neat. I doubt you'll have to clean a thing. He will probably wash your dishes and floors, too."
She giggled, picturing her new brother-in-law stark naked save for an apron, standing in the kitchen with sponge in his hand. And of course, a tattoo of his lover's name and a heart clearly etched on his rear.
"I wonder if they know about Hal's party," Rúmil pondered. "I will mention it just in case. It will be the perfect time to make the announcement of our binding."
"Won't they know when they look at us?" Mina asked.
"I suppose so. But I still want to make the announcement, maybe bring some balloons or party favors."
Arm in arm, they made their way back to Mina's flet, and found Orophin and Lira in the kitchen making pancakes. Lira was dressed, and Orophin had found his leggings and an apron. They stood side by side, and were singing and bumping their hips together while Orophin spread the pancake batter and Lira sipped a glass of wine.
"You two certainly look happy," Mina remarked as she and Rúmil entered the kitchen. "Are there enough pancakes for us too?"
Orophin glanced over his shoulder. "Yes, I think so . . . great balls of Elrond, you have bound to each other! Guess what? So have we!"
"Great balls of Elrond?" Rúmil repeated with unease. "Is that why he wears those prissy robes?"
Lira giggled, and Orophin rolled his eyes. "I really don't want to go there, brother. It is just an expression."
Rúmil ignored the hint. "But do you know this for a fact? I mean, about Elrond's, uh . . ."
Orophin glared, casting a meaningful side-glance at the two she-elves. "NO, I do NOT know this for a fact. It is just something elves say!"
"Which elves?" Rúmil stared fixedly at him.
"Just . . . elves. Are you or are you not going to congratulate Lira and myself?"
"Oh, right!" Rúmil slapped his brother on the back and grinned widely. "Congrats to the two of you. And you may congratulate us as well!"
The two couples spent a pleasant few moments talking, then Orophin remarked, "I wonder about Hal and Bella? Things were looking pretty hot there, if I am any judge of the matter."
"Damn hot," agreed Rúmil, his ears perking up. "I would wager that there is another binding going on, perhaps even as we speak."
Orophin sighed. "Just the thought makes my-"
"Pancakes rise," inserted Lira quickly. "Orophin, please do not get distracted while you are cooking."
"Sorry," he apologized, shooting her a look. "I don't suppose you want a sausage with your pancakes, do you?" He asked this last question with a most serious expression on his face.
"Ori!" Lira squeaked. She snatched the pancake spatula from his hand and used it to smack him hard on the butt.
His mouth fell open and his eyes widened, but no sound emerged. He stared at her, and she suddenly realized that she had smacked him right where she had begun his tattoo.
"Oh, no!" she cried. "Ori, I am so sorry!" She gingerly placed her hand on his right cheek and rubbed. She looked to her guests and saw they were looking at her questioningly. "I started the tattoo," she explained.
Mina giggled. "What does it say?"
"It is supposed to say 'Orophin Lira'," Orophin said, no longer speechless. "But," - he looked pointedly at Lira - "right now it just says ."
Rúmil raised his eyebrow. "You have a heart on your rear end? Brother, I would not let the other wardens hear of this, lest you want to be the butt of some inane joke." He laughed heartily at his own pun, and Mina joined in. Orophin simply scowled.
"Why don't you just heal it?" Rúmil finally asked when his laughter died down.
"I offered that already," Lira said, resuming the pancake-flipping. "He said he wanted to take it like an elf."
"Oh," said Rúmil, without much interest. "Hey, do you know about Hal's party? We're all invited. It's at 7 pm tonight. He says he has a big surprise."
"We have surprises for him too," Orophin responded. "I need to figure out when Lira and I can take our honeymoon. I'm scheduled to go on Watch soon, but maybe I can take some of my vacation days."
"Well, me too!" Rúmil said. "Mina and I need a honeymoon! And I have over two weeks saved up." He glanced at Mina. "I don't often use my vacation days. We have a pretty good time out there on the border. Not too much action lately though."
"All the action has been around here these days," Orophin agreed with a nudge.
"Right!" Rúmil started to chortle, then quickly smoothed away his grin as he caught Mina's glare. "Ahem, yes. How many pancakes can I have?"
"Three?" Lira offered. "Is that enough?"
Rúmil nodded, and held out a plate. "Thank you, ma'am."
Eventually the four of them sat down to eat, and the talk grew general. After that, the ladies went and sat down in the parlor, while Rúmil and Orophin cleaned up.
"This has been the happiest day of my life," Lira confessed to Mina.
"Mine too," Mina agreed. "I have had my eye on Rúmil for a very long time."
"Well, you know I have had my eye on Orophin! My tattoo gave that way."
Mina smiled. "I wonder if Rúmil would agree to a tattoo."
"Perhaps I should bring my needles to the party tonight?" Lira inquired anxiously. "I would be happy to make tattoos for us all."
"Oh, yes! Please do!" Mina begged. "That would be wonderful. Although . . . I do have my doubts about getting needles stuck in my rear."
Lira giggled. "It doesn't hurt too much. It's too fleshy there, very few nerves."
"Is that so?" Mina pondered for a moment. "I'll have to let Rúmil know this, so he can't whine so much when I smack him. And I think I am going to make Rúmil a nice pair of leggings with a dragon embroidered on the front."
"A dragon?" Lira laughed. "Whatever for?"
"Why, to ward off the other she-elves, of course. He's all mine now! Besides," she said, "I am the only one who can tame his dragon."
"Oh! Maybe he would like his tattoo to be a dragon. Or I could tattoo his-" Lira's hand flew to her mouth as she realized what she had nearly said in her enthusiasm.
"Lira!" Mina cried, laughing. "Can you do that? I mean, won't it hurt?"
"Well . . . yes, I suppose it would. After all, he likely does have nerves on that side of his body!" Lira blushed and added, "But then you would be able to ride the dragon, instead of just defending it. Oh, good gracious, did I just say that?"
"Lira! And I always thought you were so shy!" Mina pretended to be shocked.
"Oh, I am! But I feel so comfortable with you and Bella. And of course Orophin is so sweet and thoughtful, I have to be comfortable with him. As for Rúmil and Haldir, well, it is very hard to be too uptight once I have seen . . ."
Mina nodded, her eyes dancing with merriment. "Seen?"
Lira covered her mouth again. "Seen their . . ."
A moment later, they were both shrieking with laughter.
Rúmil and Orophin peered around the corner. Rúmil had a dish towel in his hands, and Orophin held a sponge. "What is so funny, you two?"
Mina and Lira looked at each other, and collapsed, clutching each other, onto the floor, their laughter verging on the hysterical.
Rúmil and Orophin looked at each other. "What did you put in those pancakes?"
"Nothing, but . . . " Orophin's eyes narrowed. "You know, I think they are laughing at us!"
Rúmil stared at the two she-elves, whose faces had turned bright red. "In that case, I know of only one thing to do." He tossed his towel aside, and headed toward Mina, a purposeful smile on his face. "Oh, Mina, my little poppet . . ."
Orophin and Lira watched as Rúmil grabbed his lover around the waist and hauled her off to the bedroom. Lira had searched high and low for clean sheets to change the bed, and had finally found them in a wooden chest.
Orophin frowned. "We just changed those sheets," he grumbled.
"Aw," Lira cooed. "Don't be so grumpy, Ori-love." She slid her arm around his neck and drew him into a deep kiss, and Orophin quickly forgot about his concern over the sheets.
Minutes later, breathless, he pulled away. "How much time do you think we have before we should get ready?" he asked, his eyes full of mischief. And desire.
Lira giggled. "Another half-hour? What do you think? The kitchen?"
Orophin hesitated. "We've already cleaned up . . ."
"You make me feel so bold, Ori darling! Come on, and bring some cushions from the sofa. It will be all right."
He obeyed, kissing her once more as she drew him toward kitchen, where she paused on the threshold. "Oh, what a lovely clean-up job the two of you did! I do not think I have ever seen a kitchen so spotless. Except . . ."
"Except?" Orophin had been about to take her in his arms, but he now glanced around the kitchen quite anxiously. It looked perfect to him. What had they missed?
"Orophin," Lira said carefully, "what did you and Rúmil do with that small jar on the window sill?"
He placed the cushions on the floor and looked at her. "Why? What was in it?"
"Um . . . I'm not sure, but Mina said something about it containing an herbal brew of some sort."
"Nuts! Well, I thought it looked moldy so I tossed it down the drain."
"Well, I think it was something important. Something it took her a long time to create."
Orophin grimaced. "Well, I'll blame it on Rúmil. If she wants to smack someone, she can smack him. He'll probably like it."
"Good idea," Lira replied. "That is an excellent strategy. Just what I expected from a clever warden. My clever warden."
"Heh-heh, I thought so too. And so, my dear Lira, where were we?"
"I think you were about to take me into your powerful arms," she suggested.
"And I believe you were about to take me into your-"
"Orophin, my darling, please stop talking and kiss me!"
"Lira, those are the sweetest words you have ever said to me!"
Within moments they were locked together in every conceivable manner.
~*~*~*~
Meanwhile, Haldir and Bella were wending their way back toward Haldir's talan. "How many times did we make love today?" Haldir murmured tenderly.
"I lost count," Bella confessed. "Many, many times, my darling. And to think I used to wonder if you had a little problem in the elfhood department!"
Haldir drew back in astonishment. "Bella! Are you serious? Moi?"
Bella giggled. "After today, it does sound funny, I admit. I can vouch for the fact that your elfhood is healthy and fully functional."
"And provides you with a great deal of pleasure," Haldir prompted. "Is that not correct?"
To Bella's surprise, he actually sounded a little anxious. Was it possible that Haldir, Guardian and March Warden of Lothlórien (and now Bella's husband) needed reassurance on this small matter? Or, to be more precise, this large matter?
"Oh, my darling, of course! Need you ask?"
He chuckled. "Well, it does not hurt to check. Some she-elves will pretend."
"Not this she-elf! I do not have to pretend. You give me everything I need and more."
Haldir's chest swelled with pride. "That is good to know. Er, did you ever hear anyone else say otherwise?"
Bella hid a smile. "Not really, but I never knew if the rumors were accurate or not. Since you had never cast your attentions on me, I did not know for certain."
He heaved a great sigh. "I never dared to cast my attentions on you. I feared you might reject me."
"Reject you? Why would you think that?"
"Oh, well,"-he sounded embarrassed-"you know how it is . . ."
"No, how is it?" she prodded.
"Well, I always liked to dream about you."
"And?"
"A lot."
"And?"
"And if you rejected me, it would spoil my daydreams. I wouldn't have been able to dream about you anymore."
She smiled up at him, then spontaneously lifted his hand and pressed a kiss upon it. "Oh, Hal, you are so sweet!"
He blushed. "Thank you, my love, but I am not sweet. I am noble and brave."
"That too," she agreed. "But you are definitely very sweet."
"Oh, very well," he admitted, "but don't tell anyone that."
"No one but Lira and Mina. I have to tell them."
He sighed. "And I am free to tell my brothers how sweet you are also?"
"Oh, I would not mind that, my love."
He gave her a sideways look. "They are going to attach a different meaning to the word, you realize. They are very lusty elves."
"As long as you do not discuss our private activities, I do not care what you say."
"Can I tell them how many times we-"
"Certainly not! What would they think?"
Haldir grinned. "They would think I was damned lucky. It might gain me much admiration. I already know my elfhood is larger than theirs."
Bella bit her lip. "Um, darling pumpkin, I am not so certain of that."
"What?" He turned to look at her in surprise.
"Well, Mina, Lira and I all got a pretty good gander at the three of you this morning and . . ."
"And?"
"The three of you are all very well-equipped, to be sure. But you are not the largest."
"Which of them has me beat?" he demanded.
"Neither of them," she answered. "We ladies thought it was a tie."
"Or nonsense. We can't be exactly the same."
"It looked so to us."
"Some small difference, perhaps. A millimeter or so."
"It would be difficult to know for certain without measuring."
A slow smile spread across on his face. "An excellent idea, my love. We can do that at my party. It is almost 7 pm, is it not? Do you have a tape measure you can bring?"
"Yes, but dearest, the three of you would have to be, uh, you know . . ."
He grinned wickedly at the idea. "Yes, we will, but I know I can manage it one more time. But can they?"
~*~*~*~
Oh, Rúmil, my kissey-poo elfling?" Mina peered inquiringly around the corner of her kitchen.
Rúmil cast aside the magazine he was skimming, the latest edition of ELF which he had brought along from his place (of course he only bought it for the articles). "Yes, my sweet princess?"
"What did you and Orophin do with the small jar on the window sill? Where did you put it?"
Rúmil's smile grew stiff. "Um, I do not exactly recall, Mina, my little munchkin. Do come and join me now. I grow lonely waiting for you."
"Only a moment ago you said you said you were fine on your own. You are not trying to evade my question, are you?"
"Of course not, dearest." Rúmil rose to his feet and edged toward the outside door. "I simply do not know the answer to your question. Yet suddenly I feel the urge for some fresh air. I am going for a walk."
Mina came around the corner, her fists set on her shapely hips. "Do not leave, Rúmil. I think you know more than you are telling me."
"Of course I do," Rúmil said glibly. "I know how to put an arrow into an Orc at two hundred paces. I know every bird in the woods personally, and by name. I know-"
"More about this jar business than you are admitting to me, dear husband. You are not going to lie to me on the first day of our marriage, are you?"
Rúmil had the grace to blush. "Of course not, my love. It is just that I do not want you to be angry with my dear brother. It had a nasty smell so Orophin dumped it down the drain. The empty jar is in the trash."
Mina stared at him for several moments, then exhaled a long sigh. "I should be angry," she said. "That was an herbal mixture specifically intended for Lord Celeborn. It took me months to prepare and he is waiting anxiously for it."
"Lord Celeborn?" Rúmil looked incredulous. "What the devil does he want with such nasty stuff? What does it do?"
"I am not at liberty to say," Mina said primly.
"Is it something to do with the reason he wears those robes?"
"Certainly not, Rúmil! What a question!"
Rúmil smiled his most charming smile, and curled an arm around Mina's waist. "Mina, darling, you can tell me. I can keep a secret."
Mina smiled at him. "Can you, Rúmil?"
He nuzzled his lips near the tip of her ear. "Yes. So tell me."
"Well . . ." Mina leaned closer and whispered.
Rúmil's brows shot up. "Holy Manwë! I never dreamed Lord Celeborn needed any help in that department. But of course he has been married a long time so perhaps that would account for it."
"Perhaps when we have been married that long, you will need a little help."
"I?" Rúmil snorted. "I think not, my love. No one in my family ever has or ever will have such trouble. We all take after our father in that respect. He is a very lusty elf!"
"That is comforting to know. Meanwhile, what am I to tell Lord Celeborn?"
Rúmil shrugged. "I suggest you give him some of my homemade wine instead. Just tell him it will help his little problem and it most likely will. It's probably all in his head anyway, no pun intended."
Mina slid her arms around his neck and smiled up at him. "What an excellent solution. You are so clever, Rúmil! Kiss me!"
"Oh, my love!" Rúmil's mouth came down to cover hers, his tongue seeking immediate entry into her mouth. After a long amorous moment, their mouths parted and Rúmil gasped, "We have some time before we need to leave for Hal's party. What do you say? I am feeling romantic again, and my elfhood agrees. Can you feel me, my darling?"
"It would be difficult not to," she teased. "Do not forget that I almost mistook you for a tree limb in the pool this morning, and that was without, um, encouragement."
"Then let us make good use of our time. I really like the looks of that table . . ."
~*~*~*~
At 7 pm they all gathered in Haldir's living room and congratulated each other. Haldir poured wine and proposed a toast. "To all of us on our binding day. May our days be happy, and our nights happier."
"I'll drink to that!" Rúmil said cheerfully.
"You'll drink to anything," Orophin murmured with a nudge.
Haldir stepped in before his brothers got going. "Okay, you two, listen up. We have a few things to decide tonight."
"About tattoos?" Lira put in innocently. "I did bring my needles."
"Perhaps later, sweet lady," Haldir said, sweeping this aside with graciousness. "We have another issue to address. A fairly large issue if I do say so myself."
"Pumpkin," Bella inserted in a wifely tone, "I think we should put that off until later. Lira would like to give us our tattoos."
"I'm not sure I want a tattoo," Haldir replied, a shade sulkily. "And certainly not on my backside."
"But such a lovely backside," Mina put in with a grin.
"That is true," Lira said with a nod. "You need not be concerned, March Warden. Your backside is a most pleasant sight. A tattoo can only add to its attractiveness."
"I can vouch for that," Bella agreed playfully. "Do not tell me that you are afraid! Orophin was not afraid."
"I am NOT afraid!" Haldir enunciated the words clearly, his teeth gritted. "I am afraid of nothing."
"Except needles," Rúmil whispered from behind his hand.
Mina cleared her throat. "Orophin, about that jar on my window sill-"
"Rúmil did it," Orophin said quickly. "I don't know anything about it."
"So," Lira continued brightly, "who wishes to go first?"
~*~*~*~
Quite a while later, the tattoo business had been completed to Lira's satisfaction. Some elves were more happy about it than others. Haldir was disgruntled, for he had hoped to worm his way out of it, though NOT because he was afraid of needles. He simply thought that his love for Bella should be proclaimed in a more visible location, such as on one of his powerful biceps. Yes, that was the reason. He was not afraid of needles. Not at all.
As for Orophin, he had concluded that anything and everything Lira did was perfectly brilliant, even if his backside did still sting from thorns and needles. And Rúmil had decided that anything new and different was exciting, and as long as he could watch what was happening (someone had to bring in a mirror) then he was fine with it. Bella and Mina submitted to the procedure quite gracefully, with their respective mates hovering close, ostensibly for moral support, but in reality so they could ogle their new wives backsides.
Then Haldir poured more wine and heaved a sigh of relief that it was over. Now the real fun could begin. "As I mentioned before, we have an issue to address. It has come to my attention that-"
"Oh my gosh, I forgot the balloons," Rúmil interrupted. "I think there are some in my pockets though."
Orophin smothered a guffaw. "What you have in your pockets are not balloons, brother. Nor would I show them to your wife."
Rúmil glared. "How would you know what I have in my pockets?"
"Will you two listen to me?" Haldir demanded. He shot a glance at Bella, hoping she had not forgotten the measuring tape. How was he to explain what he wanted to do without making it sound a bit odd? Careful wording was required here.
"As you know, we three brothers have much in common, yet we have our differences also. Today we have learned about some of them."
"Tables!" Orophin muttered beneath his breath. "Barbaric."
"Stimulating," Rúmil whispered with a grin. "Don't knock it until you've tried it."
Orophin looked askance.
Haldir cleared his throat and gave them a frosty look. "May I continue?"
All three of the she-elves started to giggle. "Go on, love," Bella urged. "Don't mind us. We really are not laughing at you. It is only that you are being so . . . how shall I say it?"
"Cute," Lira supplied earnestly. "The March Warden is cute. I admit I have always thought so. It is something about his lips. And that nose!"
Rúmil and Orophin howled with laughter, while Haldir ground his teeth together. They would not be laughing after the measurements had been taken. "I am not cute," he corrected, trying to be pleasant. "I have never been cute."
"Of course not, my love," Bella added hastily. "You are noble and brave."
"Kind of sexy too," Mina murmured, then leaned over to give Rúmil a smooch. "It runs in the family," she added softly, and Rúmil sent her his blissful, sweet smile and returned her smooch. Orophin leaned over and kissed Lira as well.
Haldir rolled his eyes. "In any case, it has come to my attention that the ladies have been comparing the sizes of our elfhoods."
Two blond heads jerked up. "What?!" asked Rúmil and Orophin in chorus. Ah, that got a reaction, Haldir noted with satisfaction.
Bella spoke up. "Well, it was this morning at the pool. It was just for fun, you understand."
Mina nodded. "And there you were, all lined up in a row like little soldiers-"
"LITTLE soldiers?" repeated her mate in a stunned voice. "My love, what are you saying?"
"I would not call them little," Lira piped up kindly. "Gracious no! I am sure that is not what Mina meant."
Rúmil relaxed. "Whew, I was worried there for a moment."
"Apparently," Haldir went on with determination, "the ladies feel that the three of us are exactly equal in the elfhood department. However, I am quite certain that is not true. One of us, ahem, is most certainly the Captain, and it is obvious who that must be."
"Captain of the soldiers!" Lira repeated, her hand covering her rosy mouth. "Oh, March Warden, you are so funny! I never heard you make a joke before!"
"I was not attempting to make a joke," Haldir said stiffly.
"This is ridiculous," Orophin put in. "I may be the middle brother, but I know for a fact that I am the most, um . . ."
"Well endowed?" Rúmil inquired. "I think not! As the youngest-"
"And whiniest," Haldir inserted sardonically.
"As the youngest," Rúmil went on with dignity, "I happen to know that the best of the gene pool was saved for me. Save dessert for last, our parents always said."
Haldir smirked. "When our parents spoke about dessert, Rúmil, they were not talking about their gene pool."
A commotion broke out at once, which lasted for several minutes until Bella stood and drew out her tape measure, which she had cut into three equal pieces. She dangled them before the wardens' eyes. "Well, boys? Are you game?"
Rúmil's brows shot up. "Holy Manwë, Bella, are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting?"
Mina's eyes twinkled. "None of you has cause to fear the results, will you?"
"Certainly not!" three deep voices agreed. Blond heads nodded decisively, then swiveled toward their mates, each of whom now held a length of Bella's tape measure.
Bella felt Haldir's strong arms coil around her. "Quickly," he murmured in her ear, "let's grab the bedroom for ourselves before Orophin gets it."
"Right!" she whispered back.
The two of them made a dash for the bedroom, closing the door practically on poor Orophin's nose. They heard him sputtering on the other side of the door and pressed their ears against to listen.
"My darling," they heard Lira's gentle voice say through the wooden door, "Rúmil and Mina have gone into the bathing room. Why do we not try the kitchen table as Rúmil suggests?"
"But my sweet and delicate Lira," Orophin retorted, sounding dubious and somewhat shocked, "you might get a splinter! And I can vouch for the fact that splinters hurt."
"Oh, I shall be fine," Lira said cheerfully. I will put your tunic underneath me for protection. You do want to win this contest, don't you? Then I must do my part."
"Oh, my darling!! You are the most wonderful she-elf in all of Arda! For you, I will try it. For you, I will try anything. Hi ho, then, off to the kitchen we will go!"
"Or Ori, my sweet elfling, you are so brave!" Their voices faded away.
"After all, it is MY bedroom," Haldir said peevishly before he turned to Bella. "And now, my own beloved, we shall give this elfhood of mine something rewarding to do." His lips descended, his hot mouth taking possession of hers in his usual aggressive manner. At once she responded, her heart beating hard as she pressed herself against him and twined her arms around his neck.
"My beloved Haldir," she whispered, between kisses, "I love you so much! And I do want you to win this contest, I really, truly do."
"I love you too, Bella!" he affirmed, pulling up her gown. "In fact, I adore you!" And of course his elfhood was taut and ready. He was absolutely certain he would win.
~*~*~*~
A little while later, the three she-elves gathered in Haldir's parlor. The three wardens had been banished to the kitchen to make tea. Orophin was cleaning the table.
"So," said Bella, "how did we do? Were you successful?"
Lira smiled. "Oh, yes, I have Ori's measurements right here."
"And I have Rúmil's," Mina added.
"Very well," Bella said, and placed her small slip of paper down between them. Each of the other maidens did the same. They all stared at the numbers with amazement.
"So," Mina said in wonderment, "it is true."
"Incredible," Lira added, her blue eyes wide.
"Indeed," Bella said with foreboding. "Someone is not going to be too happy about this."
"What do we tell them?" Mina asked slowly.
Bella sighed. "The truth, of course. And you do realize that this is for the best."
The three wardens all sat around the freshly scrubbed kitchen table while the kettle came to a boil on the hop. They looked up when their wives entered.
Haldir lifted an elegant brow. "Well?" he prompted, looking smugly expectant.
Bella met his gaze, then glanced at each of his brothers. "We love you all very much, and we know that this is not what you wanted to hear. But . . ."
The Lórien brothers leaned forward, each trying to appear nonchalant and confident.
Lira walked over and stood beside Orophin. Mina slid a bracing arm around Rúmil.
"It is time for the three of you to face the truth," Bella said sternly. "We will have no arguments about this. What is done is done. The reality of the matter is that there is no Captain of your soldiers."
"What?" Haldir inhaled sharply.
Bella nodded. "Such fine elfhoods, the best in all of Lórien, and all absolutely equal. There is no question about it. We three ladies have the best any elf can offer. We have no complaints and we do not want to hear any from you."
Haldir, Orophin and Rúmil sat in stunned silence, then Orophin and Rumil began to grin.
"Well," Orophin said, "at least Hal can't lord it over us anymore."
Rúmil nodded. "Right! No more `I am the Captain' baloney."
Haldir's nostrils flared slightly as he considered whether or not to take offense. "Perhaps not, but I am still the March Warden, and I make up the work schedules."
"Ah, that is true." Rúmil straightened his shoulders. "Which reminds me, brother, we need to figure out this honeymoon business."
Orophin nodded. "Right! And since you are the schedule Elf . . ." His voice trailed off significantly.
Haldir drew a deep breath and permitted himself to relax. His brothers were not going to question or challenge his authority. He was still the March Warden. No one but their wives needed to know the truth. And after all, he had no doubt at all that the three of them had the finest and largest elfhoods in all of Lothlórien.
And thus the Tale of the Three Elfhoods comes to a rather limp conclusion.
Until . . .
~*~*~*~
It was a week later when Galadriel showed up at Mina's door. As it happened, Bella and Lira were there sharing a good gossip while the three wardens were off on the border.
"My lady," Mina said respectfully, "do come in and join us. Would you care for a cup of tea?"
Galadriel's clear blue eyes held a merry twinkle. "No, I cannot stay. I only came by to thank you. Celeborn has been feeling much better of late."
"Oh?' Mina held her breath. "He felt no ill effects from my, um, treatment?"
"Well, he said it was quite vile, and he coughed and sputtered and swore for a bit." Galadriel smiled. "Then he brushed his teeth for the longest time. And then . . ."
Bella, Mina, and Lira leaned forward curiously. "And then?" Mina asked.
From somewhere in her lacey gown, Galadriel withdrew a small slip of paper and tossed it upon the table. "Our entry into your little contest," the Lady said with a complacent look. "I think you will be impressed. Good day, ladies." She turned and glided away.
The wardens' wives gazed in wonderment at the numbers written on Galadriel's paper.
"We must never show this to our husbands," Bella said finally.
Mina and Lira nodded fervently. "Never," they agreed.
"It will be much better if they do not know," Mina added.
"Our poor babies," Lira sighed. "We must protect their dignity."
There was a long moment of silence, then Bella slid back into her chair. "Now," she said, "where were we? Lira, you were telling us that Orophin has ordered a new dining room table?"
Lira nodded. "Yes, and Rúmil has given him some little corks . . ."
THE END
And they all lived happily ever after because we know the elves didn't really go to Helm's Deep! And there just might be a sequel to this story . . .
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