Title & Chapter Number: A Tale of Three Elfhoods 2/5
Author(s): & Debbie - Author's Index
Fandom: Middle Earth
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: I write fan fiction solely for my own enjoyment and do not claim any copyright or ownership of his works nor do I have intent to make financial gain. All original concepts and characters are from my own mind and remain my property.
Warnings: Comedy! Elfhood jokes galore! Explicit sex!
Betas: Fianna & Debbie
Cast: Pairing: Haldir/OFC, Rúmil/OFC, Orophin/OFC
Timeline: Third Age?
Spoilers: None
Summary: Haldir & brothers start their day as Peeping Toms. Events progress from there!
Notes: This is meant to be a comedy, so we hope you think it's funny. It contains shallow characterization and silly dialogue and very little plot, but it should be good for a laugh.
Chapter Two - In Which The Ladies Seek Revenge
The three wardens' jaws dropped as they realized what had just happened.
"They took our clothes!" Rúmil screeched indignantly. "Dammit!"
"Oh, for the love of Arda!" Orophin burst out. "What are we going to do?"
They both looked at Haldir, passing the decision-making on to him.
Haldir's eyes narrowed as he considered their options. He glanced at Lira, whose wrist he had not yet released. She was still twisting, trying to get away from him, to no avail, of course. "We can go after them," he mused aloud, "in this rather embarrassing condition that we are in. Or . . ."
"Or?" echoed his brothers in unison.
"Or we can send Lira as our emissary." Haldir turned to the blushing she-elf. "You have two choices, dear maiden. Fetch back our clothes from Bella and Mina, or join the three of us for a swim right now."
"Let me go!" Lira squeaked. "I will get your clothes for you! Just let me go!"
"Give me your word, my lovely, or it is into the water with you."
"You have my word!" Her blue eyes were squeezed shut, and he felt sorry to take such advantage of her, but it was necessary. She was not to know he would not actually force her into the water.
"And after you have our clothes in your fair hands, you may tell Bella and Mina they have earned my wrath. I will find them and when I do . . . " He let his words trail off significantly.
Lira took off running.
~*~*~*~
Bella and Mina waited patiently in the courtyard, sitting on one of the many stone benches, each of them hoping that the wardens would not come bursting out of the brush, likely no longer `at attention' and ready to chase them down.
Mina nervously fidgeted her fingers. "I don't think she will come. She went straight home to hide her face in a pillow, I know it!"
"Shh!" They both turned their heads to where the shrubs moved, anxiously looking to see which warden would appear first.
A blond head popped out . . . and only one, followed by a slim body clad in light blue. Lira stumbled from the brush to the bench where the other two sat, her hands clutched together and her eyes wide with . . . something.
"There you are!" Bella announced, pleased that Lira had come through.
"My ladies!" Lira gasped, for she was sorely out of breath. "The wardens have sent me to fetch their clothes for them, else they threatened to throw me into the water."
"Ah, but 'tis not a swim they are after, my dear!" Mina giggled.
"They told me . . . no, Haldir told me to tell you that you have both earned his wrath for this trick!"
Bella threw back her head and laughed. "And they expected sweet Lira to deliver this message, and on top of that, to bring back their clothes for them!" She looked at Lira, who had begun breathing normally and did not look quite so scared now. She brushed a hair back from Lira's face. "My dear, we hold all the cards yet in this game. And I do expect you could use some adventure. Come, we'll have tea. The sun will be up for a few hours yet; perhaps the wardens will be too, which should keep them away from us. I'm sure they can enjoy a nice swim in the meantime."
"Oh, I don't know." Lira hesitated. "I think we are all going to be in big trouble with the wardens."
"Pooh," Bella declared. "They are the ones who dared interrupt our privacy! Let them take the consequences. In any case," she exchanged a meaningful look with Mina, "we saw what we wanted to see. And enjoyed the sight, I might add. Such bounties our good wardens carry about with them."
"And so did they see what they wished," Lira almost wailed. "How can you be so cool about it? I would have been mortified!"
"Hush, Lira," Mina soothed. "You need not be. You were the only one fully clothed! Come, let us have some tea and biscuits. Perhaps we will take our leftovers to our three wet friends when we are done. They may be hungry by then."
"Yes, but for what?" Mina murmured wickedly.
"For our blood!" Lira moaned. But she let the other two maidens lead her away, for she lacked the will to argue with two such forceful personalities.
~*~*~*~
The disgruntled wardens had taken to the water again while they waited for Lira's return. Nearly an hour had passed since she had hurriedly left the lake, and Rúmil was getting anxious.
"What if she doesn't return?" he whined. "Hal, you scared her!"
Haldir grasped his brother's shoulder and shoved him under the water, laughing as Rúmil came up sputtering.
"He is right, you know!" Orophin called from where he floated on his back. "Lovely Lira is no match for those two, Haldir. She is much too timid."
Haldir released an exasperated sigh. "Very well, I will admit that it was not such a brilliant idea to let Lira go. We weren't using our heads. But it was all I could think of at the time, and neither of you seemed to care at the moment anyway. None of us were thinking with our brains at the time."
"Not using my head," Orophin murmured dreamily. "Definitely not."
"They will go to Mina's house," Rúmil said with decisiveness. "Mina always has the fresher cakes, and she has a mysterious stash of fine wine that she shares only with Bella. And perhaps today, Lira."
Haldir and Orophin stared at him. Rúmil suddenly became aware of their regard, and colored slightly. "Well," he said sheepishly, "I have occasionally taken to following them outside of the lake."
"So I see," Haldir commented. "But I'll wager you do not know about Bella's secret stash of spice herbs. Her pies are the best in all Lothlórien because of those herbs. She tells no one about them."
"Oh, really," drawled Orophin. "And how is it you know this?"
Haldir grinned lazily. "I have my ways."
"And so do I," Orophin replied. "I happen to know something about Lira that I am quite sure you and Rúmil do not know. In fact, I would wager a great deal upon it."
"Really?" Rúmil chimed in curiously. "And what is that?"
"Yes, what is that?" Haldir added. "Shy little Lira does not seem to be the sort of female to have interesting secrets."
"She has my name tattooed on her left cheek," Orophin gloated. "With a heart next to it."
"Her left cheek?" Rúmil repeated with incredulity. "You mean on her derriere?"
Haldir began to laugh. "And how would you know that, my dear brother?"
Orophin stuck out his jaw. "Have you been on patrol so long you've forgotten your own brother's neighborhood? She lives only a few flets away from me. In fact, when I turn down my lights and she takes her midnight bath, I can see everything quite clearly."
"That does it!" Rúmil cried, his hand slapping the water. "I'm requesting a new flet from the Lady. Everyone has a home with a view except me!"
"I do not anymore, little brother," Haldir assured him. "The maiden next to me has moved away."
"You were probably careless and let her get wind of you staring at her nightly," Rúmil shot back.
"And how exactly will you present this to the Lady anyway? 'My dearest Queen, grant me a new flet so that I can get my rocks off within the comfort of my own home!'" Haldir and Orophin howled in laughter.
Rúmil rolled his eyes. "Well, of course I won't put it like that, dammit. Give me credit for a little discretion!"
"Only a little," Haldir conceded, then glanced at Orophin. "But what I want to know is how you could read the writing on her cheek so clearly. Your eyesight must be wonderful indeed. You were not, perchance, a little closer than you lead us to believe?"
Orophin's grin was unabashed. "Well, one time I was lucky enough to be in the right place at the right time. I was strolling over that little connecting bridge, you know the one I mean? From that vantage, I had a much closer glimpse at our little Lira's assets. And I will say this for her, she has no need to be shy. She has the most lovely body I have ever seen, and I have seen many!"
"I, for one, think that Mina has the most pleasing body," Rúmil put in. "Her knockers are the best I've even seen. I got my mouth on one while you two were occupied elsewhere, and `twas the sweetest thing I've ever sampled. My plans are to do it again as soon as possible."
"Then you should have held on to her," Haldir pointed out sardonically.
"You should have held on to Bella," Rúmil returned. "And what is your opinion on these three? Which maiden do you favor? Is it Bella?" He sounded hopeful.
Haldir's expression fluctuated as he considered the question. How much did he wish to reveal to his brothers? Just the memory of Bella's hot mouth on his elfhood made his blood start to pound once more. He felt himself rise at the thought. "Yes," he finally admitted. "I want Bella."
"Then it is settled!" Orophin stated, sounding a bit relieved. "There is one for each of us. Now, I wonder which of them has the softer bed?"
Haldir adopted a lofty tone. "You are much too gentlemanly for your own good, Orophin. When the urge strikes, you must make use of what is available. Which, for Bella and myself, will be the ground where I find her!"
Orophin stared in horror. "You are an animal, Hal! I cannot believe you would actually do that!"
"You've never done it on the floor? You are the one who's missing out."
"Maybe we should bring them to our respective homes?" Rúmil cut in. "I've just recently gotten my table to the height I wanted it. I don't know if Mina would have a table to my liking."
"Your table?!" Orophin sounded stunned. He appeared to be finding out new information about both his dear brothers!
"Yes. My dining table! I had to find little corks to put under the legs. It was the tiniest bit too low before."
"Well, for Lira it will be a bed," Orophin said firmly. "Such a sweet, shy maiden deserves to be treated with consideration. A nice soft bed for her lovely soft derriere, and me buried deep inside her . . ." He sighed blissfully at the thought.
"You ought to try a table," Rúmil advised. "It's not soft, but it has advantages."
"Name one," said Orophin skeptically.
"Um, well, I can stand up, and I can see us both in the mirror. I have it positioned at just the right angle . . ."
Haldir burst out laughing. "It sounds appealing, but my plans for Bella are more immediate. We will never make it as far as my flet or hers. Bella's body will be cushion enough for me."
"What about Bella?" Orophin protested. "It might not be comfortable for her!"
Haldir's mouth curved. "She should have thought of that before she toyed with me," he said silkily. "Bella is the mastermind behind our present situation. And I intend to make her pay, but in a way that we will both enjoy." To his surprise, he realized he could hardly wait to get his hands on Bella again. Bold little Bella! He would have her!
"If you used a table," Rúmil went on doggedly, "you would be able to see her tattoo while you, uh, you know…"
"NO!" Haldir and Orophin said together.
"You keep the table for yourself, little brother," Haldir said, trying not to sound too arrogant and superior. "I doubt Bella will be able to wait so long for me, once I have her in the same position she had me in earlier." He chuckled at the idea.
"That's all very well for you to say," Orophin cut in, "but we are in a bit of a compromising situation at the moment. We stand here naked as three jaybirds and the objects of our affection have run off with our attire. Maybe we should quit with the sex talk and do some problem-solving instead?!"
Haldir cast a steely look at Orophin. "Your ladylove was supposed to have returned with our clothes by now. I think you should be the one to track her down and bring her-and our clothes-back."
"Problem solved," Rúmil added, splashing a little.
Orophin stared at them. "Very well, I will! And in return, I am going to demand some very big favors from the two of you. You may both take my turn at the Watch for the next month."
"Not likely," Haldir said dryly. "I'm already scheduled. Maybe Rúmil can take some of it. I'll relieve you of some of your duties for the following month. That's the best bargain you'll get from me."
"I'll accept that," Orophin said with a nod. He moved through the water until he reached the shore, then stooped to pick up the largest leaf he could find. Turning toward his brothers, he held the leaf in front of his elfhood. "Will this do it, do you think?"
"For now," Haldir told him with a grin. "Unless Lira flashes her cheeks at you, then you might find yourself peeking over the top."
Orophin grinned back. "If that happens, I'll just grab up another leaf."
"Or Lira," Rúmil added with a smirk. "That would be a much better choice."
"Indeed," Orophin agreed. "Wish me luck."
~*~*~*~
The three she-elves had hastened to Mina's home so as to avoid confrontations with any other elves who might wonder what they were doing with warden uniforms. And with no wardens in sight!
Now, Mina was rolling on the floor, tears streaming down her cheeks, as Lira revealed to her new friends that she had a crush on Orophin, and had even gone so far as to have his name emblazoned on her fanny.
"And with a heart!" Bella howled. She sat sprawled on Mina's divan, a glass of wine (instead of the intended tea!) clutched precariously in her hand as she tried not to keel over from laughter cramps.
Lira was again beet red; what in the world had possessed her to reveal her secret mark? But these two were so much fun! She began to giggle herself, and soon she was convulsing in laughter along with them.
"Lira!" Mina finally managed to gasp. "Lira, we are not laughing at you!" She rolled onto her back, wiping her cheeks with her palms. She shoved off her slippers and placed her feet on the arm of the divan. She reached out to grasp Lira's hand, giving it a small squeeze. "We only laugh because it never would have occurred even to us to get a name stamped on our rear! You are brave, shy one."
"Pray tell, who did it for you?" Bella asked, her laughter subsiding.
"I did it myself!" Lira exclaimed proudly.
Mina stared in disbelief. "Yourself? On your own rear?"
"Oh yes," Lira nodded. "I am quite flexible."
A tiny sound outside Mina's window distracted Mina's attention. She raised a finger to her lips, gesturing to the other two. "I think," she said loudly, "that our three wardens have earned the punishment we gave them today. But tell me, dear friends, how did you judge their manly attributes? Do you think these three are worthy of our notice?"
"A good question," Bella answered, catching on immediately. "I must admit that I had my doubts about the wardens. They are all fine looking elves, yet none had approached me, or you either Mina, in all these years. What of you, Lira?"
Lira shook her head. "No, they have smiled and spoken to me, but none of them ever tried to kiss me or . . . or anything else."
Bella nodded. "The same with me. I have spoken often with Haldir, even shared my wine with him, but he never made a pass at me. I had begun to think there was some area of concern, perhaps in the elfhood department."
"But seems not to be the case," Mina agreed. "Never have I seen-or touched-such fine elfhoods as I have this day."
Lira clamped her hands over her ears. "Girls, I am so shocked by such talk! But truthfully," she started to giggle, "I have never even dared to imagine such a magnificent display of masculine virility. Especially Orophin's!"
There came a loud crash outside the window. Mina rolled her eyes. "Dammit! One of them has landed on my flowerbed, I just know it! I pray he landed on the thorny roses, it's the very least he deserves for eavesdropping!"
~*~*~*~
Orophin cautiously approached Mina's flet, his eyes darting constantly behind him to make sure he was not being seen. What an embarrassing predicament in which to be caught!
He could hear the ladies (ladies, indeed! More like vixens!) laughing as he approached. As he looked behind him again, he banged his toe on the first step. He clamped his hand over his mouth, stifling a curse, and then dropped his leaf, which the wind quickly swept away. Should he go after it?
Then he heard Mina speaking loudly, something about elfhoods, but since he was concentrating on sneaking up the stairs, he did not hear all her words. From the sound of her voice, he thought they might be sitting in her living room, which would be . . . on the western side of the home. Dammit. There was no ledge on that side of the house. He would have to climb.
"…they have all smiled…"
Was that Lira's voice he heard? What naughty things were they discussing? And were any of them about him?
Grasping onto the rain gutter, he slowly edged himself around the corner toward the window from which the voices came.
"… or touched such fine elfhoods…"
That must be Mina. He began to harden at the memory of her skilled hands. No. Must concentrate on task at hand! He stifled a laugh. Not the time for crude jokes either! He edged closer.
He heard Lira giggle, and at the sound of her musical laughter, his elfhood sprang to life.
"… masculine virility…"
And continued to grow . . .
"Especially Orophin's!"
He gasped, reaching between his legs to tuck himself back down, only too late realizing he had completely released the gutter. He tumbled backwards.
"Holy mother of Sauron!" he shrieked as sharp spikes of agony drove their way into his rump and back.
He lay prostrate, unable to move, his elfhood shriveled to a parody of its previous majesty. "Damn," he repeated, over and over. "Damn, damn, damn, damn . . ."
"What's the matter, warden?" inquired a sweet voice. "Lose something?"
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