Title & Chapter Number: A Tale of Three Elfhoods 1/5
Author(s): & Debbie - Author's Index
Fandom: Middle Earth
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: I write fan fiction solely for my own enjoyment and do not claim any copyright or ownership of his works nor do I have intent to make financial gain. All original concepts and characters are from my own mind and remain my property.
Warnings: Comedy! Elfhood jokes galore! Explicit sex!
Betas: Fianna & Debbie
Cast: Pairing: Haldir/OFC, Rúmil/OFC, Orophin/OFC
Timeline: Third Age?
Spoilers: None
Summary: Haldir & brothers start their day as Peeping Toms. Events progress from there!
Notes: This is meant to be a comedy, so we hope you think it's funny. It contains shallow characterization and silly dialogue and very little plot, but it should be good for a laugh.
Chapter One - In Which The Wardens Meet Their Matches
Rúmil leaned slightly to his right, remaining crouched inconspicuously behind the giant mellyrn. The afternoon sun glinted sharply off the serene lake water, illuminating the feminine body within it. The slender figure of a lovely she-elf dipped below the water once more.
"Ah," Rúmil mumbled to himself. "Why can't she ever stay above water?"
"What are you doing?"
Rúmil whipped around to see his eldest brother Haldir standing behind him, his eyebrow cocked arrogantly. "Shh!" Rúmil hissed. He grabbed Haldir's tunic and yanked him to the ground, then pointed out toward the water. "I am Mina-watching."
"Mina-watching?" Haldir's head shot up. "Damn, you beat me to it. And where is Bella? I am here to Bella-watch."
Rúmil grinned. "I thought as much. Where is Orophin?"
"Here!" came a whisper from behind the next tree. "By the Valar, will you look at that sight! It's about time we did this. And if we are lucky, Bella will soon come and join her. You know how much those two like to gossip," he added.
"About us the three of us, most likely," Haldir remarked with complacency.
"Exactly," Orophin said. "And I want to know what they are saying."
"Oh, oh! Here she comes!" Rúmil gestured for his two brothers to be quiet. He nodded in the direction from which he saw another slender she-elf approach.
"Mina!" the second maiden called as a head popped up from the middle of the lake. The fair swimmer waved, beckoning her friend to enter the cool water as she called out, "Come on in, Bella! The water is perfect."
"That's not all that's perfect," Haldir murmured appreciatively.
Rúmil sighed his agreement.
Spellbound, the three Lórien brothers watched as Bella shed her slippers and gown, and removed the ribbon from her hair, shaking her head to swish out the braid. Like many elf-maidens, she wore no chemise beneath, a fact which Haldir had already guessed. Then she trotted toward a low overhanging cliff, disappearing for an instant as she climbed the opposite side. She smiled at Mina (who miraculously was still above water) then stretched her arms high above her head, and dove gracefully in.
Haldir shoved an elbow into Rúmil's side. "Pick up your jaw, you fool!" he chided.
Rúmil drew in a deep breath. "I never thought Bella would be so . . . so . . . "
"Stacked?" Haldir asked. "I did. She just hides it beneath those tight bodices. Orophin, what in the name of Mordor are you doing?"
Orophin had risen and was pulling off his tunic. "What do you think I'm doing? I'm taking advantage of a golden opportunity. Are you two going to just sit there and watch, or are you going to join me?"
"Do you think we should?" Rúmil demanded. "How are we going to listen in on their gossip if you go jumping into the water?"
"Orophin, don't be such an Orc!" Haldir hissed. "Sit down! There is time enough for that later. I want to hear what they say!"
Orophin stood tall, looking down on his elder brother. "You and I both know they come here nearly every damn day. You can always come back and listen another time! That is, if they don't spend the rest of their days with me." That said, he stripped of his leggings and boots, and plunged into the water.
Rúmil and Haldir stared after him, unbelieving that their ever-so-gentlemanly brother would have the nerve to approach two ladies at once. And with the three of them naked!
Rúmil bounced up and pulled up his tunic. "By the Valar, no brother of mine is going to leave me behind!" He yanked off his leggings and followed Orophin into the water.
Haldir groaned. This was not what he had in mind. He really had wanted to hear what they said because he was almost certain they talked about him. He had wanted Rúmil and Orophin to find that out, dammit. But now it was too late. The ladies would certainly not discuss their opinion about the March Warden when the March Warden's naked brothers were doing whatever they were doing. What were they doing anyway?
Exasperated, Haldir rose to his feet and yanked off his boots, tunic and leggings. He might as well join them. No way was he going to miss out on this kind of action! Especially when one of these she-elves was so absolutely attractive to him personally.
He had been dreaming about Bella for years, but had never dared to approach her as anything more than a friend. Perhaps it was time to do that. He had hoped to overhear her speak of him today, thinking that would help him to decide whether he stood a chance with her or whether she favored someone else. It seemed he would have to try a more aggressive strategy.
~*~*~*~
Mina and Bella dove under, paddling to the bottom to search the silt for beautiful shells, which they both collected. Mina followed Bella, who seemed always to know the best rocks to look under. But Bella was a faster swimmer, and Mina's attention was often attracted by some single shell or pretty rock, and today was no different.
She followed Bella for a short distance, until something to the side of her caught her attention. It was actually quite large . . . perhaps a fallen tree branch? The silt they had kicked up made it hard for her to see. She swam closer, and suddenly realized what it was that she was viewing. Whoever he was, he had a lot of cheek, entering the water like this! Smirking mischievously, she reached out her hand, took hold, and yanked very hard . . .
The thing she had grabbed jerked away, and as she flung her head out of the water, spraying droplets of water over its surface, she found herself confronting a familiar and very handsome face, its open mouth now howling with outrage.
"Rúmil!" she exclaimed, blinking in true surprise at the unanticipated appearance of her favorite warden. "What are you doing here? Why are you screaming? My goodness, this is most unexpected."
"Holy Manwë, Mina," he squawked, "that was my elfhood you grabbed!"
"Your what?" Mina suppressed a wild urge to laugh. "Uh, what's an elfhood?"
As she was speaking, two more heads popped out of the water. Bella and . . . Orophin?
"Orophin," Bella put in huffily, "how dare you intrude on our swim? Do you not realize we are unclothed?"
Orophin grinned wickedly. "Why, yes, Bella, I had observed that in detail. And I would like to compliment you on your—"
"Choice of words," inserted Haldir smoothly as he popped up next to Mina. "Hello, Mina. You are looking very lovely. And Bella, that goes for you as well." His eyes lingered on Bella's face.
Mina splashed him indignantly. "You are rotten! All three of you!"
"Now, now, Mina," Bella said soothingly. "Perhaps they could be of use." Her eyes twinkled as Rúmil nodded eagerly, his indignity apparently forgotten. She pointed toward the overhanging from which she had dived earlier. "There is a large rock under that cliff, and I just know it hides the most spectacular shells. I'm afraid, though, that Mina and I won't be able to move it. Will you three do this for us?" She fluttered her eyelashes enticingly, and abruptly the three handsome wardens began swimming rapidly toward the cliff.
As they headed into the deeper water, Bella turned to Mina, an incredulous look on her face. "What's an elfhood? What's an elfhood?! You couldn't think of anything else to say?!"
Mina covered her mouth to drown her howling laughter, her tears mixing with the lake water dripping from her head. "I couldn't . . . I couldn't think of anything else at the moment!" she finally gasped. "You don't understand, Bella! That took a lot of nerve for me to grab him at all . . . and I didn't know it was Rúmil! And I certainly wasn't expecting him to be so . . ."
"Stacked?"
"Dearest Varda, is he!"
"Truly?" Bella asked with interest. "I wonder how he compares to Haldir? Do such attributes run in families, do you think? On the other hand, is it fair to compare them when they are not, how shall I say, at full attention?"
"Bella! Are you thinking what I think you are thinking?" Mina sounded aghast.
Bella grinned. "Dear Mina, why should they be the only ones to have fun? What do you say we play a little game with our three favorite wardens? Do you think they will be `up' for it? And yes, the pun was intended!"
"Oh, Bella, I don't know." Mina smothered a giggle. "Perhaps with Rúmil and Orophin we can play such games, but with Haldir . . . I just don't know. He might decide to take some sort of revenge upon us."
"Nonsense," Bella countered. "What could Haldir possibly do, spank us? Ha, I'd like to see him try! You are simply too timid for your own good."
"I am not," Mina retorted. "Timidity would not have allowed me to seek out Rúmil as I did. Keep in mind, mellonamin, that I have touched what you have not!"
Bella laughed. "Very well, you've got me there, my friend. Does that mean you are up for a game? To include Haldir?"
Ah, what did they possibly have to lose? Mina nodded. "The game is on. What did you have in mind?"
Bella leaned closer, whispering her rather wicked idea into Mina's ear. A broad grin began to light up Mina's face, and the two of them giggled.
~*~*~*~
Haldir surfaced from the water, having had no luck at all in moving the gigantic rock. A moment later, each of his brothers also broke through the water, shaking the water from their eyes and gasping for air.
"There is no way to move it!" Orophin declared.
"Certainly not," Rúmil agreed. "And this is not what we came out here to do either. Move rocks indeed! This is insane!"
Haldir turned to look at the two giggling she-elves. "I think," he said calmly, "that the ladies are playing a joke on us." He dove under the water, his eyes wide open as he searched for their bare legs. With his usual agility, he caught hold of each lady's ankle and pulled them under the water. A moment later, he released them, grinning as they gasped and spluttered.
"That was most ungentlemanly!" Bella admonished him.
Haldir was so busy admiring what he could see of Bella's attributes, he almost missed the fact that Mina had disappeared under the water. Almost but not quite, because a warden never misses anything, of course. Keeping one eye on Bella, he noted the ripple in the water that indicated Mina's approach toward his brothers. He almost warned them, then thought better of it. Instead, he watched in astonishment as first Rúmil and then Orophin looked surprised, and then absolutely blissful. Nearly a full minute later, Mina popped up between them, grinning wickedly. Rúmil and Orophin were still catching their breath.
Haldir stared as Mina dove under again to resume whatever she was doing. Those lucky bastards! Why were they getting all the fun?
While this was passing through his mind, something tickled the back of his leg, and he scratched at it with his other foot. Then it tickled his other leg, and he realized it was a hand, running its fingers up his leg. It must be Bella, since he could no longer see her anywhere around him.
Now there was a hand on each of his legs, slowly trailing higher and higher. The back of his knee, now his thigh, now his . . . he inhaled sharply as a hand moved forward and grasped his elfhood.
Bella pulled her head out of the water and pressed her voluptuous bosom to his back. "You've quite a treasure down there, warden," she whispered seductively.
"Why thank you," he responded automatically, trying not to gasp in ecstasy as she stroked him in a way that he could only describe as proficient. "Bella, my dear, I'm not sure . . . what I did . . to deserve this . . . but . . .this is hardly the time for . . ."
"On the contrary, you are hardly hard enough, my dear March Warden," she teased. "Mina and I simply want to make sure our three favorite wardens enjoy their holiday. You all work so hard . . . I mean—"
"Enough, Bella," Haldir retorted. He glanced over at both of his brothers, and saw that they were both wearing silly grins of their own. "Why don't you and I go somewhere else to continue this . . . conversation?"
Bella squeaked as his hand suddenly closed on her arm and put a halt to the proceedings. A moment later, his arms were wrapped around her, his tongue aggressively invading her mouth. Had she really thought that she could stay in control of the situation?
She could feel his large `treasure' pressing between her thighs, and she clamped her legs together tightly. That was not what she had had in mind. Or at least not yet!
But the game was far from over.
Haldir's hands had by now roamed upward to caress her breasts, and she could not deny that he was quite skillful with his touch. She returned his kiss hungrily; it had been a long while since she had kissed anyone worthwhile. With so many wardens on active patrol and an increasing number of city folk traveling, there was a substantial lack of lusty elves with whom to share `dessert'.
She moved her hand down, wrapping her fingers once more around his elfhood, which was now considerably larger and harder than when he had removed her hand. She quickly jerked her hand forward, and with his sudden gasp, she wondered how Mina was faring with her part of the `game'. She had double duty to perform.
Bella tried to glance around, but all she could see were three heads bobbing very close together. It looked like Rúmil was kissing Mina, but what Orophin was doing she could not see. Or care, at the moment. She had the March Warden on her hands, or rather in her hands, and as far as she was concerned one of him was worth both of his brothers. She had had a secret crush on Haldir for as long as she could remember, though she had never actually told this to anyone. Perhaps this would be a good time to let Haldir know?
For the first time, she questioned the wisdom of her little joke. It had seemed funny, but maybe he would never take her seriously now. As this thought went through her head, his strong arm pressed her even closer while his legs began kicking. They were moving toward shallower waters!
The water was now lapping Haldir's waist and just a little higher on her own body. She dug her heels into the silt and forced him to stop.
He looked at her, his eyes blazing with lust. "I want to take you to shore," he said.
"I don't want to go to shore yet," she replied, her hands continuing their work.
"Well why not?"
"You'll see." She smiled playfully, her heart beating fast. "Or rather, you'll feel."
She brought her hands up onto his shoulders and lightly ran her nails over his chest. Chills rose over him as she slowly circled his nipples and continued traveling downward. She slowly bent her knees, her body following her hands, until she at last ducked her head beneath the water.
Now he would find out why she wanted to remain in the water. She opened her mouth and filled it with the clean, fresh water, keeping it in her mouth to heat it for a few seconds while she continued her stroking. After a moment, she slowly took him into her mouth and "blew" the warm water over him, in stark contrast to the cooler lake water. She did this several more times, and each time she felt him shudder.
At last she needed air, and she pulled her head out of the water, keeping her hands on his now raging hardness. "Did you like that?" she asked.
He gazed down at her, the blood pounding in his veins. "Like it, Bella? It was the most exquisite sensation I have ever felt. I expect you are aware of the result. I do not think I have ever been more ready." His hands drew her to her feet, while his eyes devoured the sight of her breasts. She felt her nipples harden in response. Again, she questioned herself. Was this the right time to tell him of her feelings?
"Haldir," she began. "I have known you for many years, yet never have we done anything like this—"
"No," he agreed thickly. "And I wish we had." He clamped his hands against her bottom and forced her closer, his elfhood pressing against her stomach. "Bella," he whispered. "Tell me how you want it."
Perhaps this was not the best time to mention anything.
"Well," she said, stalling while she considered what to do, "that is an excellent question, Haldir. What of your brothers?"
His eyebrows shot up. "Bella, what are you suggesting?"
Oh dear, he had misunderstood her! This was not going the way she had planned.
"Well, I mean that . . . they are here . . . and so is Mina."
His eyes widened and she felt his hands squeeze her rump. "You are right! I nearly forgot about Mina." He turned to look for his brothers, and found them in the exact same spot they were in last, though Mina could not be seen at the moment.
"Rúmil! Orophin!" he called, attempting to gain his brothers' attention. They stood stock-still, and didn't even turn their heads when he called. If a party of Orcs chose that moment to attack, they would probably not even notice.
Haldir grasped Bella's wrist and pulled her along with him as he headed back toward his brothers. Reaching them, he repeated their names, waving his hand in front of their faces even, and again received no response. Finally he reached beneath the water and hooked an arm under Mina's and pulled her to the surface. Haldir tucked the image into his memory, knowing he would tease his brothers about the disappointed looks on their faces for years to come.
"Listen," he said. "Bella has an idea."
"Haldir." Bella tugged on his arm. "Haldir, listen to me. I did not suggest any idea. I asked you a question. A question is not a suggestion."
Haldir glanced down at her with such a laughing gleam in his eye that she suddenly wondered if he was purposely misunderstanding her. Was he trying to embarrass her? Pay her back for teasing him? What was this tricky elf up to? (Besides the obvious.)
"What is your idea, Bella?" Orophin inquired, looking both interested and dazed.
Rúmil wrapped an arm around Mina's shoulders. "Can I guess? Does it involve the five of us? Dammit, we need another she-elf!"
A sudden movement caught Bella's eye. Was there someone standing behind that tree? Who was there?
Haldir had seen it too. He released his hold on her arm and went striding through the water as fast as he was able. A moment later, they all heard a shriek as Haldir reached behind the large trunk and yanked someone out.
"Look what I found!" he said triumphantly.
Bella started to laugh. It was Lira, the shyest she-elf in all of Lothlórien! And her face was beet red as she stared down at Haldir's elfhood, displayed in all its glory before her.
Rúmil suddenly came charging out of the water, also displaying his glory, to which Lira shifted her gaze immediately. He grabbed Lira's dainty hand and pulled her toward him; she cringed, shying away from his protrusion.
"I think Lira should join us," he said. "What say you, maiden?" He looked at her pointedly.
She shook her head adamantly, her eyes wide in horror.
"I think that's an excellent idea," Haldir said, running his eyes over her svelte figure. The others in the water nodded their emphatic agreement, particularly Orophin, who had been staring at her with a particularly hopeful look.
Haldir leaned toward her, placing his mouth against her ear. "Gentle maiden, you are already here. We know you've been watching us, though we are not sure if your intentions were simply to watch or to eventually participate. You are of course free to go as you please; you certainly will not be forced into anything. However," he added, "I can tell you that we would sincerely enjoy the pleasure of your company."
Then Orophin began to wade out of the water in Lira's direction, and once again Bella felt the urge to giggle as poor Lira's eyes nearly protruded from her head as she took in the third large elfhood of the day. Bella signaled to Mina with her eyes.
"Now's our chance," she murmured. "Wait until Orophin turns around and we can see them all."
And it happened just like that. All three brothers faced both Bella and Mina, with all three elfhoods jutting proudly skyward. Unfortunately it was impossible to compare their sizes; they were simply too similar!
Bella and Mina exchanged a glance. "I want Haldir," Bella whispered. "You and Lira can do as you like with the others."
Mina shrugged. "That suits me fine. I find Haldir a little too intimidating for this type of sport. Rúmil is actually the one who suits me the most."
"Mina," Bella said suddenly, her voice holding a hint of mystery, "what say you to taking this little game in a different direction?" She whispered her idea, and Mina emphatically agreed.
The two of them strode to shore, though they took pains to cover what they could, as they had not actually exposed themselves fully to the rest of their party. As the wardens busied themselves with sweet-talking timid Lira, Mina and Bella quickly gathered their clothes and dressed, disappearing into the brush.
They made their way to the opposite end of the pond where they had discreetly seen the wardens enter the water. After a few minutes of searching, they found three sets of clothes and boots hidden under the shrubs. They gathered these, and then stepped through the bushes to the edge of the lake.
"Lira!" Mina called, waving a tunic above her head. Lira looked between two of the wardens to where Mina and Bella stood, holding the wardens' clothes. The other two maidens were now fully dressed. "Lira, meet us in the courtyard!" As the wardens turned in surprise, Lira took the opportunity to dart between them and rush into the forest.
Bella giggled. "We'll see if she meets us there. She could use a little excitement in her life! Let's go."
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