Title & Chapter Number: The Elf in the Mirror 9/12
Author(s): - Author's Index
Website: Of Elves and Men
Fandom: Middle Earth
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: These are not my characters with the exception of Eruanno and I do not profit from their use.
Special Warnings: None - Yet.
Betas: Mayetra
Cast: Haldir/Elrond
Timeline: Pre-LotR AU
Spoilers: None
Summary: Haldir becomes ill and Elrond cares for him.
Notes: This story came about from several bunnies and my love/lust for Elrond and Haldir! It was to be a simple silly pwp, but angst is my middle name sooo it turned into something else. It is a story of love and the things that sometimes keep us from knowing how to love. Hope you all enjoy it.
[] Haldir's thoughts.
Chapter Nine
Haldir sat on a bench in the garden. He knew that Elrond would seek him out. The Lady told him that she was going to send him, that the two of them needed to talk. He didn't really want to talk to Elrond. He couldn't imagine what he could tell the elflord that he didn't already know. Elrond knew all his shame and sorrow.
He fidgeted in his seat like an elfling.
Elrond saw him sitting amid Galadriel's flowers. He was wiggling like a child on the stone bench. The Lord of Imladris and Herald of the High King was terrified of one spiteful, beautiful, annoying March-Warden.
"Greetings, Haldir," he said as he strode purposefully to the bench.
"What do you want, Lord Elrond?"
Elrond smiled. He was glad that Haldir hadn't become sweet or even friendly. He didn't think he would love him half as much if he were.
"Lord Celeborn seemed to think we needed to talk."
"About what?" Haldir stared at him sullenly.
Elrond sat down beside Haldir, close enough that their shoulders almost touched.
"Haldir, have you ever felt like you caused everything you loved to die?"
"I *have* caused everything I love to die."
"Do you really believe that?" Elrond knew he did. On his worst days, the elflord still believed it about himself too.
"Yes, first Mama and Papa and then …there was Eruanno."
"Eruanno?" Elrond had not heard of this one before.
Haldir began to speak and in a halting voice at first, then a tear filled one, he told Elrond about the love of his life. He told him how he wasn't there to save him and how it was all his fault.
Elrond put a hand on Haldir's arm and spoke quietly, "Are you sure that if you had been there, the Orcs might not have killed you both? Have you ever thought of that?"
"But I would be with him, Lord Elrond. You have no idea how it hurts to be without him."
Elrond didn't say anything. He couldn't. In his mind's eye, he saw the High King of the Noldor. Images of time spent with Gil-galad raced through his mind. He thought of the time they spent in councils and at war, arguing and laughing, loving and his eyes misted with tears.
Finally, he spoke, his voice almost a whisper, but Haldir had been listening for his reply, so he had no problem hearing it.
"Yes, I do know." He reached for Haldir's hand and was surprised when the younger elf did not draw his hand back.
"How?"
"Gil-galad," he had to stop when he said the name. It hurt to just say the words. The other elf waited, still letting his hand be held. "I was with him for many centuries. He was as the legends tell and he was more. He was everything. But I could not save him and I did not die. I did not die." He turned to look at Haldir, anguish in his voice as he said it one more time. Then he said, "Sometimes we don't die even when our hearts do."
Haldir said nothing.
"I should have died when Mama and Papa died," he finally whispered.
"You saved Orophin and Rúmil. They would have died if you had. Things happen for a reason. Galadriel and Celeborn told me this when Gil-galad was killed and they told me again when Celebrian chose to leave after the Orcs… attacked her. I love her too, but she could not stay."
"Do you believe things do happen for a reason?" Haldir was holding the hand in his tight, squeezing his fingers tight.
"Yes, on my best days I do. On my best days." Elrond brought the hand to his lips and kissed the younger elf's fingers.
"What about me? Do you pity me?"
Elrond looked at him, shock showing on his face. "Pity? You? I … pity? By the Valar, Haldir, I love you-" He hadn't meant to say that. Haldir jerked his hand back. Anger showed on his face.
"How can you love me? I'm dirty, tainted." Haldir jumped up and stood on front of Elrond. "No matter what you say or do, you can't change the fact that I was a dirty little whore to those men that night. You can never change it. I am …dirty."
"And I am half man. How can you love me?"
Haldir looked at him, fury flashing in those dark eyes. "Do you think I am so shallow?"
Elrond couldn't help but smile, "Do you think I am?"
"I might care for you," Haldir finally said after a long silence.
"I might care for you too."
"It is late. You must be tired, Lord Elrond. I will walk you to your talan." He held his hand out for Elrond and they walked slowly back to the talan. Both of them removed their boots and outer tunics and they curled up spoon style on the soft bed and soon both were lost in reverie.
Haldir rested without nightmares.
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